My Life, Dramatized

Ignoring Someone

Once again, my lack of self worth and hatred towards every cell in my body have completely consumed me, as they always tend to do. And here I am, once again, spitting it all into incoherent bullshit through text message. At least it's not skype again, I guess.

I'm not even sure what I want to hear. What combination of words will make me feel like I'm important, at least for a little bit? Is it pity? Is that it? Or maybe I just want to know someone loves me? Then why isn't "I love you" enough?

"Because you know they're lying."

"Oh great! You're here. Please leave me alone."

"I just want to talk."

"I know. That's the problem."

"You know 'I love you' doesn't mean shit. Think about it. How many of those turn out well?"

"Leave me alone."

"How many people have told you 'oh! We'll be friends forever!' and out of curiosity. Where are they now?"

"Just shut up." I find myself powerless in front of myself. It's a struggle that's been going on as long as I can remember. The annoying part is that I can never win. I can only ignore him. He controls me though. He attacks me, both mentally and physically.

"She's here, you know."

"I'm aware. She's always here." Her ghost hasn't let up on haunting me. Constantly breathing down my neck, regularly creeping into my mind when I least want it, everlastingly in my head. That small focused fire is always burning in my head. It never fucking goes out and I fucking hate it. I'm utterly incapable of clearing my head. An apocalypse could take place in my head right now, and that fucking fire would still be there.

"You're doing it again," her voice judges me.

She's right. This is why I can't make people smile, this is why I can't make people laugh. I only ruin people's lives. No one likes a piece of shit like me.

baruch

talking about how you feel

doesnt make you an asshole

and im your friend remember?

im here for you

please dont apologize

I shouldn't be her friend. She's too good for me. I'll just drag her down. It's best to leave her alone. So. What do I do next? The logical thing. Ignore her completely.

Duh.

The texts were from Saturday. Although it took unimaginable effort, I managed to hold off any craving of talking to her.

...

So far so good I guess. She seems to be doing perfectly fine. She's laughing with people, that's good to see. She's joking around. I make no difference to her.

This is good. I was right. I don't matter. I don't add anything to anyone's life. My absence makes people's lives better. Is this what I wanted? I think so. Then why do I keep checking to see if she's looking at me? Jesus Christ! Control yourself. No! I'm just checking to see if I was right. Yeah! Yeah...

"They're gonna have to pay up," I said messing with my classmates.

"Wait, they have to pay?"

"No, I'm just joking." Wait. Hold on. Did I just? God dammit.

She told me she was mad at me, not for ignoring her exactly, but for ignoring her for no reason. I felt like the filthiest thing on earth. All I wanted was for the gates of hell to open behind me and Cerberus to do me the favour of dragging me by the collar like I deserve. I had no words. I covered my face, hoping it would piss her off and make her not want to talk to me. I wanted to die in a hole.

For a few minutes, I thought I had gotten away with it. I sat there at my desk, trying to move forward by filling my head with the school work at hand. But as I looked downwards as I normally do, two feet appeared in front of me.

"Are you gonna tell me why you won't talk to me?" I didn't want to look at her face. I didn't want this confrontation, yet I found my head moving itself upwards.

No. Why? Stop. Please don't. Nien. Negative. God dammit again.

When I see her face I see everything I feared. She wants an answer and at this point, I forgot why I did all this. I just wished I hadn't.

I didn't want to answer her question. I didn't know how. I was fighting between telling her to leave me alone and maybe throwing in a "fuck off" here and a 'bitch' there to get her to hate me. "It's better for her to hate you and leave you alone than you ruining everything for her." But no. I don't want that. There was that part of me that just really wanted to take it all back. That part of me that wished I never decided to ignore her. That part of me that just wanted to hug her really tight. I needed that hug.

I couldn't look at her. I hate looking at people in the eyes. I always overthink about what's in their eyes. As I look anywhere that isn't her, the weight of her eyes on me was unbearable. I felt as though my body was weakening. I had to answer her.

Something about not being worthy of her friendship. Something about not being worthy of anything really.

She tried to assure me that venting was okay. Why can't I just believe her? She leaves to go off with her group. That's when she was there, hovering above me. Looking down on me. Without saying a word. But no words were needed. As long as she haunts me. No one loves me.