My Life, Dramatized

If Only

Being in love is both the worst and best feeling in the world. It's great because of that excitement that you get from just seeing that special person. When their smile is brighter than any pirate's treasure. When their laugh tickles your heart in just the right places. When their hug is the only time where you truly feel comfortable, as if it's the first moment of peace you've had in weeks. Maybe if they could just hold you while you sleep, then maybe, just maybe you would finally sleep well for a change.

But then there's the anxiety that comes with the whole thing. Wanting to be able to completely express yourself. Not hiding anything.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"No. You don't quite understand. I wish I could just stare into your eyes and their endless details while you look at mine and just spend the whole day like that."

I realize this isn't an original thought, like at all. I realize that realizing this is also not that original. This isn't as much for my writing skills as it is just for me. Just for me to be certain of how I'm feeling.

I'm a very scared and unconfident person. Too many past experiences have left me to traumatize to ever act on my feelings. I truly believe it will never end well for me, no matter how much I try and convince myself otherwise.

I had to read "The Great Gatsby" for school. One of the main symbols that anyone who's read the book should know, is the green light. For anyone not in the know. The character Jay Gatsby helplessly in love with Daisy Buchanan who he had not seen in five years. Now a very different and wealthier man, he has bought a mansion just across the lake from Daisy's house. From his dock he can see a green light right by Daisy's place. He looks out at that light all the time. That light was his hope that, after five years, his future with Daisy can be just like he dreamt it.

Everyone has a green light in their life. Something they helplessly hope and dream for.

Unlike Gatsby though, I don't have his confidence. I don't have that resolve. Does that mean I don't love her enough? Or am I just not enough? Why is it that this is constantly in my head yet I don't act on it? It's pitiful really. I've had to ask myself, what do I lose from acting on my feelings? Some would say nothing. I say everything. What if she doesn't return the feelings? Even if she stills wants to be friends, something will be different and I don't want that. Gatsby's determination and action got him so close, but I'm just so far.

I don't know. I have no idea what I'm doing.