Love is Not Over (Kim Namjoon x Reader)

Chapter 15

"The last five years had been miserable." Namjoon began. "I thought I'd be fine because I had my dream job and had a decent place in the States. But life felt so meaningless and I realized letting you leave that night was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I should have ran after you, I should have begged you to stay, I should have apologized. I was so fucken stupid.

After that night, I tried to avoid you as much as possible, and you were also doing that too. I felt bad that you had to stay away from the boys because of me. At first I felt fine because I believed in that decision. So I just continued to focus on work and school and graduating. I had a routine and I was burning through life. But over time, I was losing motivation to do anything. I was missing you like crazy. I didn't want to ask about you because of my stupid pride, so I would try to overhear in on the boys' conversations.

When I moved to the States, it was even more dreadful. I was away from all the people I care about and so far away from the girl I love. I hated every part of that. Again, I tried to just focus on work and I worked my way to become an integral part of the company. Important enough to give me power to decide on my schedule. Even when we weren't together, subconsciously I was working for us. I realized my mistake early on but when I knew I didn't deserve you back until I fixed myself and work on everything.

You were and are important to me, and I finally realized that. But after I thought I was in a better place and ready to come back, I heard news about your relationship. I was so sad for quite some time but I tried my best to be happy for you. I tried thinking that you would be much happier with him because he would have given you so much love and attention. Better than I ever did. I was so awful to you the last few days of our relationship.

I actually dreaded coming back to Korea. I was so miserable and I didn't want to see you happy in someone else's arms. But at the same time, I wanted to see you. I wanted to see your beautiful and gorgeous smile. I knew it would be hard to not hug you as soon as I see you, but I never imagined it'd be that hard.

That night at Seokjin's house, I thought I might die as soon as I opened the door. In front of me was the person I love so much but behind her was her boyfriend. I wanted to run away and it might have been dumb but I wanted to tell you I still love you even though I knew you wanted nothing to do with me. But I couldn't help it, my life depended on it. And there was a small part of me hoped you still felt something towards me.

I saw the sadness in your eyes and it killed me. And I hated myself even more because I was the one that hurt you. I also had hoped that Woo Joo would be the one, that he would take care of you better than I ever could. Even so, I couldn't convince myself to stop loving you. That's why I tried so hard. I'm sorry if I seemed aggressive. It was even more bad when I found about the abuse. I couldn't imagine how someone could do that to someone as wonderful as you and I can't imagine why someone as strong as you would let that happen. But then I thought how it was probably my fault in the first place.

Then the night of hyung's wedding, I was too caught up in my feelings and decided to play you that song to show you my feelings. I never thought about the consequences of my action and I was terrified when Woo Joo took you away. I felt like dying as I pounded on the door, every second was torture. And when I saw you unconscious, I thought I was going to die. If you weren't here anymore, I would join you wherever you are."

You gasped. "Namjoon, don't say that." Your tears forming harder as his story continued. "Please don't do that. You deserve to live."

"But life would be so meaningless without you, though."

"Even so, I want you to live. The world needs Kim Namjoon."

"But you're my world and I need you." he whispered. You hugged him tighter. It made him feel so much better.

"And I need you too." you whispered back. "Many people have actually wondered why I didn't do anything, I mean, I could easily fought him off. But for some reason, I couldn't. Maybe it was because of my father, maybe it was what happened with you, but I felt so doomed. I wanted to believe that he loved me because he had given me what I had wanted for so long, comfort and validation that I am enough.

Even when I saw the red flags, I still thought it was love and that was all I needed. Even when he was violent, he promised he still loves me and I believed him. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about you, because I did all the time. You might have broken my heart but it would always belong to you. The night I left, I think a piece of me remained with you. I was never completed.

I hated you, I had hated you but not for the reason you think. I hated that I still love you, I still thought about you while I was sleeping right next to him. When I hug him, I picture you hugging me and stroking my hair. When he touched me, I wanted it to be you. I hated that I thought you were still beautiful the night I saw you. My heart started beating for you again and it was like I was breathing finally. I tried denying my feelings, and ignored you, but I couldn't. I still love you so much. I need you too."

Namjoon leaned down and kiss you, deeply. It was warm and full of passion. His lips guiding yours and his hands slid around your waist and back. He never did anything you weren't comfortable with. "I don't think I can apologize enough for everything, Y/N. Everything was my fault. I promise you you are my priority now and forever."

"Stop apologizing. Just love me." you said.

He chuckled. "Forever and always. You are my oxygen."