All's Fair

I Never Knew

"He should have let you go?" Ted echoed her words. "Well thank God he didn't. You think it was easy for me? I lost Dad, too, Gracie. I was eight years old when he died. If you left me then it would have been more than I could take. It was bad enough when you went away to college."

She looked at him in surprise. "I'm sorry, Ted. I guess I couldn't see past how much I was hurting. I remember JJ had a rough time for awhile, but I always thought you just . . . really adapted."

"You said all the stuff I wanted to say, Gracie. You stood up for Dad so I didn't have to. But after a while I thought you'd let it go. You never did. It's been fifteen years, Grace. Don't you think it's time to let it go?"

"Everything just happened so fast, Ted." Grace sighed. "Honestly, it seemed like one day we were living one life. Our school, our friends, our historic home in Old Hyde Park. Then before I even had a chance to get over the shock of Dad being gone, Mom's remarried, our home is sold, and we're living in some big, flashy house on the water.

"And then when I couldn't bear it and I just wanted to get away, Jimmy has to play the evil stepfather and say no, I can't leave. And he didn't even have a reason. Just no."

Ted was uncharacteristically silent.

"What?" Grace said. "I know, I know, I should just let it go."

"It was me." Ted spoke quietly, and didn't glance over at her.

"What do you mean? What was you?"

"It was me, okay? I'm the one who took away your dreams of going to that school in North Carolina. Me. Not Jimmy."

She shook her head. "I don't understand."

"I might have acted like I was handling everything okay, Grace, but after the accident I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I felt so helpless. And I couldn't even imagine what it must have been like for you, in the water, holding onto Dad, waiting for. . ." He stopped and took a deep breath.

"But you went through all that and it seemed like you came out stronger than ever. You didn't hide in your room and cry. You went with Mom and hired a lawyer and you were going to go to court and make those bastards pay. And you did. You and Jimmy made them pay. You were my heroes, both of you. And when Mom fell in love with Jimmy, I don't know, it just made sense. Nothing was going bring Dad back."

"No," Grace said softly, "nothing was going to bring him back."

"I'm a selfish person, Grace."

"No, Ted-"

"Yeah, I am. You were so mad when Mom started dating Jimmy. Then you applied to that school and you didn't tell anyone until the acceptance letter came, and then you kept after Mom until she gave in. I was too ashamed to tell you I couldn't stand it if you left."

"So you told Jimmy."

"We were on the way back from Little League. They'd only been married a month or so, and he was helping out with coaching. I'd been a real jerk all practice. Threw the bat when I struck out. Even got into a fight with another kid on the team, and got a bloody lip. So Jimmy says what got into you today, and I gave him some smart answer, and he pulled the car right over and I thought, now I'm gonna' get it. But he put his hand on my shoulder and said, you'll have some rough days, buddy, but you'll get through it. Nobody expects you to be perfect.

"And I just started bawling like a baby. It all came out, how scared I was about you leaving, how angry I was at Dad for dying, how bad I needed you to stay. He asked me if I'd told you how I felt and I said I couldn't. And he said, don't worry about it.