I don't want to write about her but I will. Because I know if I don't I will never truly accept the way I feel. I don't want to feel this way for her but I will anyway, even though at the very second that I am writing this my mind is fighting against that very fact. Her little snores are the soundtrack of this story and her small, squishable face is probably illuminated by mine. I made plans to talk to other people tonight but who can blame me for blowing them off, it's puppy love. Admitting it to myself and her would only bring both of us pain but the heart, as I've seen it, obviously has no concern for our choices.
And my heart is making me feel all kinds of shit.
I've told myself many times that even if it does work out it will never last and I am sure that I will continue to tell myself the same, but what is a person without any hope. What am I without love and who am I to deny the simple pleasure of entertaining the thought that she could look at me as if I alone was the most beautiful star in the sky. I know I said that it's difficult for me to fall for someone but that was a total lie, anyone with eyes could see that. The truth is it's only difficult for me to keep that feeling, to take care of it and nurture it and let it bloom the way a love deserves to. But the only special talent I have is being able to forget, To be able to clean up whatever mess the aftermath this feeling left in my mind within minutes. Some say that its a gift, to be able to not forget a love that lasted centuries, but to look back fondly and carry on with life. Sometimes I wish it was painful for me. At least the pain will reassure me that what I felt was real, that I truly do miss being in love with all my heart and not just the idea of it.
You are the opposite. So sweet and sensitive when it comes to past loves. I envy being able to feel so strongly for something that no longer exists. I long for the validation of my emotions but I know it will never come. Maybe that's what drew me to you. To know that even if we united and then went our separate ways, you would still mourn me for a time and keep me in your heart forever. Perhaps that is the only form of longevity I could ever experience. I could live forever haunting the memories of those I've loved and those who have loved me. Like a ghost that dances in sunlight, one you see in places we've kissed, one you see in words or phrases I used to whisper into your ear when you were barely awake, in songs we danced to and in future loves who would never be the same. There is a sad sort of happiness in knowing this, to know that I will be remembered as the angel with crystal tears who ripped your heart from your chest just because she could. But it's alright because I really enjoyed what we had. I'm sure you did too, why not smile about that instead, right?
How unfair.
I don't want to put you through this but I'm still going to take that chance anyway. Because right now as I see your nose nuzzled into your sheets I can't help but yearn for the feeling of your breath on my cheek. The weight of your arms around me and the sound of your small snores. You've let me experience too much of you for me to let you go so now instead I'll drag you down with me and just hope you don't break on the way back up. I'm sorry our fate was sealed from the start, I really do wish there was something I could do but there really isn't. So for now I can only hope that the moon is kind and that if it comes it is painless. Even though we'll both end up hurt.
