Happiness

Part 1

"Until this day I have never completely thought about what it means to be happy. Some of us are born to live each day as if it were our last. Some of us are born to live each day wishing it were our last. But we can all recall a time in our life when we felt happy. Whether it was a wave of ecstasy illuminating the bulbs of our brains or the sheer simplicity of security that loosens the reigns that we hold on ourselves. Happiness is not only a convenience but a liability. Happiness is not only an emotion but a choice. Happiness is not only a desire but a paramount necessity. It can come when we least expect it but fails to show when we need it most. Whether or not we choose to manifest happiness is up to us, or whether we feel obliged to leave it to a higher power. Maybe some of us believe it's written in the stars or some of us just don't believe in it at all. Happiness can have a thousand different meanings to a thousand different people. To one person it can be finding true love, to another it can be fame and fortune but to someone it can be as simple as having a friend. Happiness is the one thing in life which differentiates us from one another. But it's also the one thing in life which we share with one another. And there is beauty in the contradiction which some of us see the worst in. For me I never thoroughly understood this concept. I could never quite grasp the idea of true happiness, it always seemed to just slip through my fingers. But right here in this moment in time, I can finally say I found it. True happiness. I have never felt more alive than I do right now. The freshly bloomed April daffodils have nothing on the sense of new life that has been sprung upon me. It's like a complete resurrection. I am not who I used to be. And it's for the better if not anything."

I idly lay on my pale yellow bedding and sighed from exhaustion as I squinted at my laptop screen. The dim lighting and my imperfect eyesight made it hard for me to read my work . I was often a culprit of over-analysing, overthinking and overusing. This typically resulted in the extermination of my recent effort and a later repeat many months later. It was a vicious, never-ending circle which impacted my writing negatively. I was ashamed of myself for spouting such lies into my work, i did not believe a single word i typed. The truth is that those were words i pray to hear once in my life. They were merely but a fantasy i tried to paint for myself, in hope to summon some kind of excitement in my life. Maybe it was love i wanted, maybe it was a friend. Or maybe it was just simply some new company. Life at 18 isn't all that fun, or at least not as fun as they make it out to be. No one tells you that you get immediately bombarded with responsibility. No one tells you that you get too busy to sleep and too tired to eat. No one tells you that your life gets that little bit lonelier. At least no one told me.

I turned my head to the left to see my phone glowing as "Ellis is calling" flashed across the screen. I hesitantly picked up the phone in my tired state and swiped the screen to answer. Ellis Price was one of my best friends. In fact my only best friend at most. She had the most beautiful chestnut hair which was often left hanging around her pale freckled face and large hazel eyes. She was just a little bit shorter than me and in my eyes, she was prettier (but what good does comparing yourself to your friends do). And whenever i was in dire need of a friend, she never failed to be there for me. Part of me washed over with guilt at this thought. Sometimes i let jealousy seep into my thoughts and brainwash my morality. And at times it causes me to be unnecessarily hostile towards her, because of my own insecurities. Envy was perhaps my biggest flaw of all. It was something i could never seem to exorcise from myself.That being said she cared for me in such a loving and forgiving way, and i did for her too, we were essentially soulmates in the form of best friends. A faint "Hi" echoed from my phone as i answered. I ignorantly rolled my eyes at the speculation of what this phone call could possibly entail.