If The Shoe Fits #inmyconverse

Could've Had It All

We all have had a fight with someone at some point in time. It may have been little or it may have been life-changing, but it's happened to everyone.

I'm not asking for pity from anyone because attention is the last thing I want, although to some people it's all I ask for. 

Recently, my adoptive parents have been extra hard on me. I work hard to prove to them that I'm trying to please them, but if I forget to do something or it's not done correctly I get in trouble.  I get told to do things that contradict things I've been told before which is confusing, but when I do as they ask it makes matters worse and the blame is on me. 

For me, soccer is my everything it's one of the few things that I know is my favorite and is followed by track. In order for me to participate in these events I have to practice, that's common knowledge. I'm sixteen now and don't have a permit, yet, so rely on my (adoptive) parents to be my transportation. I made sure before I signed up that it was okay with them, but now it is suddenly me not thinking about others when I need a ride somewhere. 

With my luck I have asthma and I have to go to a doctor who tries to help find a medicine that will help ease my breathing. Again, I can't drive so I have to rely on them for transportation. This is not something I voluntarily signed up for, but the blame is on me. Being human sometimes I forget to take my medicine and I'm not afraid to admit it because it's true. I forget it happens, no one's perfect. Now suddenly I'm ungrateful because I forget to take my medicine and with that, it somehow says that I don't care about my breathing.

My needs for certain parts of my life have ruined the lives of the family that adopted me and makes their lives harder. I didn't sign up to have my life ruined in return, but it's slowly happening and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't purposely do things to ruin their lives, but nothing I do is right no matter how hard I try to fix it and I'm starting to give up trying. 

Fear is something that our instincts control. There are many things I fear and when I'm scared of something I do one of three things 1. hide 2. ignore or 3. whisper. I feel that if I hide from what scares me I won't have to face it which isn't usually the case. Sometimes I push away the things I'm scared will hurt me: people, feelings,... When I talk to someone if I don't have the words to say to someone or they are intimidating me I tend to cower and not have a great defense which causes me to whisper response which then comes to make me seem disrespectful.

I know without a doubt that I can be annoying beyond compare. When I think of something to say I want to tell everyone even if I shouldn't. It's the adrenaline pumping that makes me share the good and the bad. With my annoyingness, I can be passive aggressive and/or easily irritated causing me to be more annoying and less attractive.

Trust is something that we shouldn't hand out, but I have difficulties guarding it properly. I could tell my whole life story to a complete stranger and not give a fat rats butt about it. Most times than not I trust the wrong people and tell them things that eventually backfire and end up in the wrong hands. Along with my easy trust is my ability to fall for someone to hard to quickly. I don't have too high standards when it comes to people but I have some and sometimes I overlook them for someone that's not worth it, but I don't think before I trust and by the time I realize I'm falling it's too late.

We just have to wait for someone to catch us while we're falling so that we can be saved.