A Year In Fort Lauderdale

Memories Part II

Chapter Thirteen

My brain feels as though it's going to explode as I remember my brother's death. The pain was so great at the time that I ended up feeling empty. The emptiness took over my entire body, making me feel like a hollow shell of who I was.

I'm trying to get as much air as possible, gasping as I sit with my back against the side of the bed. Images of my brother's death flood my mind, taking over all my thoughts. I try so hard to shake the memories and get them to leave but after keeping those thoughts at bay for so long, it's as if the dam in my brain is beginning to crack, threatening to break open.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Finally my breathing slows and the ever-growing numbness spreading through my body begins to fade. Relief begins to flood my body, a feeling of weight being lifted off my chest.

I sit up, feeling sick and light headed after the episode. Crawling into bed, I take note of the fear growing in the pit of my stomach. I was so close to going under again; I can't risk losing it a second time. The first time this happened, I nearly lost myself. It was only by some miracle that I managed to get out of it, but I don't think I'm strong enough to get through it again.

I immediately grab my phone and call Cas.

"Hey girl, I've been trying to pick out an outfit for like an hour now," she begins. I imagine her with her phone stuck between her shoulder and her ear as she walks around her room, looking at her endless options of clothes. "I was supposed to meet one of the cheerleaders for coffee half an hour ago so I'm super late. She won't care though, I mean she's almost always late to everything so nothing new--"

"Cas," I interrupt. Upon hearing me, she immediately goes silent. I must sound worse than I thought I did. 

After a long moment, she speaks up, her voice quieter this time. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

"Um," I'm lost for what to say. I'm going to ruin her plans for the day if I bring up Ethan, especially if I tell her that I'm beginning to spiral again. She'll probably resort to locking me in a room and keep only happy things on the television or happy books in the room to keep me from sinking again.

After what feels like forever of me going back and forth in my brain, I finally gather myself. "Uh, yeah. Yes, everything's fine. I just woke up, that's why I sound kind of out-of-it. I was just gonna ask what you were doing today; sounds like you should get going to your meeting."

She chuckles a little, buying my lie. "I know, I should just throw on the first pieces of clothes I find huh? That'd be an interesting look."

I give a convincing laugh. "Oh, definitely. I'll let you go, have fun!"

 "I'll call you after to see if you wanna do anything, it shouldn't take long."

My mind reels at the thought of seeing Cas. Surely I'd break, wherever we would go, and embarrass myself in front of anyone there. Seeing her would be too much, and her asking if everything is okay in person would be even worse. 

"Uh, I think I'm gonna stay in," I reply quickly. "I don't think I should continue leaving Asher by himself, even though he's bound to start using crutches soon."

"How's he doing?" She asks as I hear her get in her car.

"He's not in as much pain as usual so I'd say it's getting better. I think it'll be different once he starts walking around on it instead of being bed-ridden but that'll be something to worry about if it comes."