Hey Ava.

Letter 1

Hey guys! This was based on a note that a friend sent me, some parts of this story I've taken from there. Hope you like it, it's a bit depressing :P

______________________________________________________

Hey Ava.

I have so many problems. I hope you don’t mind me sharing them with you. I wrote it down because I have no idea how I would be able to say it to you

Let me ask you a question. What do you do when you feel like you’ve just crashed and burned, that your life is a failure and there’s no way out? This is what I’ve felt like for the last couple of weeks.

I think it’s pretty clear the Michael and I have gone through quite a messy breakup. But no one knows what actually happened. See, we were making out right? But then he started to get really frisky. One hand was under my shirt, starting to grab my breasts, and the other was inching up my inner thigh, under my skirt. I started to feel really uncomfortable and tried to wriggle out of his grasp, but he pinned me against the wall. When he removed one hand to unzip his jeans, I made the most of it and slipped out from under his hold. I ran and snatched the phone in one hand. He growled and tried grabbing me, but I waved the phone shakily. Michael had promised when we had started dating that he would not do anything that I wasn’t comfortable with. I reminded him of his promise, but he just punched the wall next to my head. “It’s been over a month Izzy. I think that you should’ve been more than comfortable by now. Fuck, I’ve been ready to have you since we started dating." He zipped up his jeans angrily and stormed out. Just as he was about to shut the door, he yelled out. “You’re a worthless prude. I can’t believe that I wasted one whole fucking month on you. All I wanted was a quick screw, and you couldn’t even give me that. No one will ever want to love you, you’re a hideous monster.” He slammed the door and I sank to my knees, his words replaying in my head.

Ava, have you ever had the feeling that no matter how hard you scrub, the dirt’s still there? I stood for over an hour under the pounding water coming from the shower head, desperately trying to get the feeling of his hands of me.

After that incident, I became really self-conscious. Every time I looked in a mirror I remember what he had said, that I was hideous. So I decided to try a diet. But I only stuck to it for a few days before gorging myself with chocolate and chips. Feeling super guilty, I decided to make myself throw up. Stupid, I know. But it seemed smart at the time. My sister caught me with my finger in my mouth and got really upset. I know that she was only trying to help me, but her yelling and ‘lecture’ only made me feel worse.

And you know how my parents are going through a divorce right now? Well, last night I snuck out of my room to get a drink of water. On my way back, I heard some shouting from the direction of my parent’s room. “I’m taking custody of Rosie [my sister], you can have Izzy and Shaun [my brother].” My mum’s voice was laced with frustration. “No, I’ve only got enough room for Shaun, you take Izzy.” My dad yelled back, his voice as intense as my mum’s was the moment before. “My lifestyle is too busy; I only have time for Rosie. I don’t want Izzy.” “Neither do I!”

My eyes stung with tears. Both my parents didn’t want me. I raced to my room and buried my head in my pillow, crying brokenly. Michael’s words came back to haunt me. “You’re worthless… No one will ever love you…”

 I'm sick of being who I am. The 'Isabella' that everyone sees isn't me. I'm not the straight-A, head cheerleader, Queen Bee, whatever you want to call me. People expect me to be nasty, when I don't want to be. I'm expected to be a cheerleader, when I really wanted to play hockey.

I'm someone I don't want to be because I don't want to let others down.

I have to be someone I'm not for them.

And I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore.

After all, being the Queen Bee made even more people dislike me. Being the head cheerleader made others think that I was a bitch and a slut. Even though I got straight-A's and never ditched school, my parents still didn't want me.

I'm not a slut, I'm still a fucking virgin for God's sake!

Yeah, most people don't believe me when I say that.

I'm sick of flirting and leading others on when all I want is a steady relationship. I want someone who I can be real around, who will love me and appreciate me the way I am.

But not this.

This is not who I am, I've become a monster.

I’m going to be honest with you. I really wanted to end my life right then. I knew that my razor was just lying on the edge of the sink in my bathroom. For a minute I wondered if it was worth it. But a voice in my head spoke to me. “Yes it is, do it quick.”

Ava, I’m ashamed to say that I listened to that voice. Hence the long-sleeved shirt that I’m wearing today.

My arm still hurts like hell at the moment. But I know that it will be over soon. Sometimes I think that I’ve become the worst version of myself. I know that life is hard for all of us. But if you step in my shoes and walk a mile, maybe then you’ll see how hard it is to hold back the tears and fake a smile.

I always feel like I fall too fast, crash too hard, forgive too easily and care too much.

But I never seem to learn. I don’t know what to do now. I didn’t know who to tell this too. But I know that you can definitely keep a secret.

Thanks for being there for me.

Isabella Shaw.

______________________________________________________

Please leave a comment, it would make my day.

Don't forget to check out my other stories!

[I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense :P]