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What can we do when partners show resistance to our interventions? This is a question that came up recently in my online training group, when a therapist presented a case with several thorny challenges. Her questions led me to remember a set of concepts I learned early in my career.
These ideas came originally from Dr. Paul Ware, the psychiatrist who first introduced me to Pete! So of course Dr. Ware's concepts hold special meaning for me!
Later these ideas were explored in Personality Adaptations: A New Guide to Human Understanding in Psychotherapy and Counseling by Vann Joines and Ian Stewart. I believe you'll find the ideas useful in dealing with resistance, especially in the early stages of building trust with couples.
Understanding the 6 adaptive styles
In their book, the authors outline 6 adaptive coping styles, each with its own strengths and weaknesses.
These are not necessarily personality disorders. These are styles and ways we orient to the world. Originally, Ware labeled these styles with terms from the DSM. Later, they have been renamed in a less pathological, more descriptive style as follows:
Joines and Stewart emphasize that these are not static categories; instead, they are patterns that can change as people move toward the more positive traits within that style. Most of us don't fit neatly into one adaptive pattern, but instead represent a blend.
Discovering thebest wayto approacheach personality type
This model can be useful in figuring out where to first establish good contact with individuals and couples. The authors explain that we can approach our clients using thinking, feeling or behaving. Knowing this, we can meet them at their most open door.
The open door is the place people feel secure and ready to meet us right now.
The target door is the place where they will benefit most from going after we've gained their trust.
The trap door is where they will entice us to go – but ultimately, the place they may make the least progress.
How can we find the opendoor?
This depends on the personality adaptations we see. For the Responsible Workaholic, thinking is the open door. This person is highly organized and logical, so asking questions that activate thinking responses will ease anxieties and build immediate rapport. These clients usually test us to be sure we are smart enough to work with them.
The target door for the Responsible Workaholic is feeling – reachable as we gain their confidence. Over time, opening up to emotion and vulnerability will greatly change the quality of their relationships. The trap door, meanwhile, is behavior. We may find these clients can change a lot of their behaviors without substantially changing the quality of their lives.
Look below for the open door depending on the personality adaptation:
- Creative Daydreamer – Behavior
- For the Charming Manipulator – Behavior
- For the Brilliant Skeptic – Thinking
- For the Playful Resister – Behavior
- For the Responsible Workaholic – Thinking
- For the Enthusiastic Overreactor – Feeling
A useful concept for minimizingresistance
Meeting new clients at the open door helps them feel supported. It gives them the chance to begin from a place of strength. As you move forward in building trust and cooperation, the client will let you move into the target area and create the most longstanding change for them.
Understanding the 3-door model will help you avoid falling through the trap door early in treatment, causing serious setbacks and often leading to early termination. In fact, when the couple and you are both feeling frustrated, ask yourself if you've tumbled through the trap doorby mistake.
Do these ideas seem useful to you? Do any of your clients fit these patterns of personality adaptation? How could you use these 3 doors to connect more effectively?
In my next blog post I'll write about using the 3-door model with a "Brilliant Skeptic" client so you can see the application of this theory.
If you're interested in joining our online training program, you can sign up for our waiting list here.
Visit at https://www.couplesinstitute.com/6-personality-adaptations-and-3-doors-a-model-for-knowing-where-to-connect-with-your-clients/ to learn more
