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Anxiety, anger, and jealousy are emotions I see often in many of the couples I have worked with over the years, and I'm sure it's no different in your practice. Untangling the roots of these feelings and helping couples adopt strategies to deal with them becomes a central challenge for you.
Recently my therapists' online training group discussed a case where insecurity, jealousy, and conflict were quickly taking over a young couple's relationship.
Partners Jane and Bob had a history of feeling rejected and unloved. Life had handed them interlocking scripts, but each partner dealt with these feelings in a unique way.
Jane tended to act against herself, going back to self-harming habits she thought she'd broken for good. Bob's insecurities flared into jealous bouts of anger when he sensed Jane wasn't paying enough attention to him.
Listening and empathyas an essentialfirst step
The therapist had helped Jane and Bob develop a practice of empathetic listening so each could learn what the other was feeling, especially when worry and anxiety spun into open conflict.
Bob reported that when Jane listened to him, he felt calmer right away. He felt Jane's willingness to hear him out was the key to managing angry, jealous feelings that often overtook him.
In one session, Jane felt courageous enough to disagree.
Sometimes, she said, Bob demanded remorse for things she'd done that triggered his anxious feelings. "And if I don't say I'm sorry over and over again, he punishes me," she explained.
Bob reacted angrily to Jane's statement, and for a few moments, it seemed the couple had reached an impasse.
Whose job is it to manage a partner'sanxiety?
The therapist challenged Bob to think about his responsibility in the situation. If his healing depended entirely on Jane, the burden might be too great for her.
"Jane's listening may help you for a few moments, Bob, but it may not be serving you," she said.
She explained that, while empathy and understanding are necessary in all close relationships, one partner's listening can't magically erase a lifetime of pain for the other.
Instead of expecting Jane to be his only resource, Bob would benefit from recognizing his power to heal old wounds that sparked new anxieties.
"Unfair as it might seem, the job of healing our childhood hurts always ends up in our own hands," the therapist said. "Jane's listening and her apologies can't possibly make up for everything that happened to you over the years."
The therapist encouraged Bob to come up with ways he could reach inside himself to soothe his own anxiety when he was feeling threatened and jealous. He was able to come up with two or three strategies, including coming in for individual sessions with her.
The conversation was helpful for Jane, too. She'd been feeling helpless when her caring and attention didn't seem to resolve things for Bob. Now she could release the guilt she was feeling and step back a bit, trusting Bob to manage his own emotions.
Have you found ways to help clients assume the full measure of their responsibility for anxiety and conflict in their marriage? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
And if you are interested in learning more about working with angry partners, I recommend our resource, The Hostile-Angry Couple. Click here for more information or to order this collection of two one-hour teleseminars in audio and print format, along with the slides and handouts that accompanied the original, live sessions.
Read more at https://www.couplesinstitute.com/helping-couples-realize-it-takes-two-to-manage-long-standing-pain/
