The Couples Institute

Establishing Goals with Couples

Let's discuss the slippery concept of goal setting. At first blush, it seems like it should be easy for us to help our couples set goals when they come in. Simply have them state what they want and make a plan, right? No, applying that simple "formula" can create a whole lot of confusion, distress, floundering, and probably a few premature terminations.

There is a lot more to setting goals with couples than meets the eye. Much more.

Goals should be clear and specific. Mushy goals are hard to measure. For example, if a client states that his goals are to increase positive energy, overcome low self esteem, or develop a better relationship with his wife, it's hard to know when he's achieved them. There's no yardstick to measure his progress. And what's worse, once the literal part of the brain detects a little progress, it simply thinks, "Ok, the job is done."Clear, specific goals are measurable. For example, "Learn to recognize my wife's contributions to our family and tell her in words." Or, "Develop effective negotiation skills that take both of us into account."

Encourage your couples to make goals that are within their control. These goals can be accomplished without support or cooperation from the environment. For example, "Pick up the clutter at least twice a week," or "Arrange a dinner/movie date" are both goals that can be accomplished without anyone else's involvement.

Teach clients the difference between targets and goals. Targets are like goals, but they're not completely within one's control. For example, "I will make 3 new sales this week, so that I can bring home a larger paycheck." This is not really under the partner's control. More effective goals are the steps a partner takes along the way (including how they think) that will enable them to reach the target. Instead they might say, I will be at work by 8am each morning this week and make at least 5 cold calls each day. A partner has no control over getting 3 new sales. They can only control the actions that will increase the likelihood of getting 3 new sales. If the partner does not get 3 new sales, they often will judge themselves as a failure for not reaching the goal, which just worsens low self esteem and reduces confidence.

Help partners appreciate each other's stretch goals. "Stretch goals" are those that take partners significantly outside their comfort zone. Usually these involve personality change, such as a narcisssist's becoming more giving, or an engineer becoming more emotionally expressive. These goals arouse discomfort because of the required effort and risk involved. When people recognize that their partner is stretching, they will become more supportive. As long as they think the change is easy, they tend to minimize the other's efforts.

Have couples state their goals positively. Often partners describe negative goals. These goals describe what someone DOESN'T WANT. For example, "I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be sad, or I don't want to be poor." People who organize their lives around setting goals in the negative put a very low ceiling on creating a life of satisfaction.

Setting negative goals for the partner is even worse. When one partner is asked about goals in therapy she might say, "I don't want to be criticized by my partner." This is very diagnostic. Note that it is really a goal for her partner to stop criticizing. If she is allowed to continue to state negative goals that are really for her partner, she will reduce her own emotional resilience and will do little to focus on her own desires. If further questioning about what she wants yields minimal information or vague responses, then her differentiation level is low and primarily reactive. This signals you, the therapist, that there will be challenging work ahead.

Remember, when it comes to goal setting, it's no time for platitudes. "Aim for the moon, because if you miss, you are still in orbit," or "feel the fear and do it anyway." These sayings do nothing but increase the average person's feeling of failure. He may think, "I felt the fear and didn't do it, so I'm a bigger failure now." Or "I felt the fear and tried and failed; now I really don't want to do that again." These success platitudes are often poisonous for goal setters.

We hope some of these ideas about the challenges of effective goal setting will be helpful the next time you are working with a new couple.

If you'd like to find out more about how you can be an effective leader with your couples, you might be interested in our Therapists Take Charge resource here

Wishing you success with your own goals, too,

Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

Founders of The Couples Institute

Learn more at https://www.couplesinstitute.com/couples-therapists-take-charge-oi-li/