The Secrets We Keep

The Times We Endure

Kara's POV

I wake up clinging to the bedsheet beside me, only to find the cold space that has been empty for so many months. The memories of him flood my mind at night when my dreams take me to foreign worlds where we are together, where he's still alive and where he holds me so tight that I feel that it is real, only for it to abruptly end when I wake.

Even after all this time, the pain is still so raw and so constant that I always find myself battling the tears that threaten to fall, especially the last few weeks. Call it hormones, call it grief, call it whatever you want, but having to contend with the mental exhaustion as well as the physical has really taken its toll on me.

I eventually lift the sheet off my body and swivel my legs over the side of the bed rubbing my swollen stomach as I move, I glance at the clock on the side knowing full well what it'll say. 3.06am. 

Ever since the night he left, I had woken up in the early hours every time, sometimes sobbing, sometimes feeling just empty and finding only one thing could soothe me.

I wrap my arms around my body as I scurry into the living room finding what I need on the back of the sofa; Mon-El's jumper. I slowly move onto the sofa grabbing a nearby blanket and place his jumper against my chest, breathing in his soft scent that still lingers after all these months. I feel my anxiety subside slightly and tiredness starts to claim me once again however just as my eyes begin to close I feel a sharp pain spread across my abdomen.

'Ouch baby, Mommy needs to get some rest.' I say rubbing my belly, but another kick follows. 'You are going be so strong little one!' I smile. Mon-El would have loved this, all the late night kicks, the spending sprees in the malls and seeing his child grow in front of his eyes. I grieve for all the things Mon-El will miss but no more so than the birth.

It was only a few weeks after Mon-El had left when nausea started, my breasts grew tender and when I eventually passed out on a mission, Alex dragged me into the DEO and ran every possible test. At first, I didn't believe her, I didn't want to believe her, Mon-El and I had always been careful but over the weeks the nausea was replaced with vomiting and my belly began to swell ever so slightly and so my denial turned into anguish.

At first, I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy, I convinced myself I couldn't do it without Mon-El but Alex made me realise that the baby was a piece of Mon-El and after that, there was no way I was going to terminate the pregnancy. The first few months were hard, but friends and family got me through it, no more so then Winn. Mon-El leaving had really impacted him, so much so that he wasn't himself, he was grieving just like me. We started spending more time together, and we would often have nights in on the sofa just telling stories of Mon-El, laughing and joking just like we all used to do together before, it brought me so much comfort.

I eventually adjust myself on the sofa trying to get comfortable amongst all the kicking but the baby doesn't let up so I grab my phone and start scrolling through old pictures, finding one I hadn't seen before. It's a blurry picture of me sitting on Mon-El's lap at the bar with wide cheesy grins on our faces. I trace along the picture with my finger and a silent tear slides down my cheek,

'I hope you have his eyes baby,' I wish aloud and ready myself for sleep once more but as I go to lock my phone Alex's name flashes across my screen. I don't hesitate in picking up knowing that she would only call at this hour if it was an emergency. I fumble as I slide my finger across the screen,

'Alex, what's going on?' I abruptly ask,

'Kara, can you just get over to the DEO now, it is urgent.' I can hear commotion in the background,

'Alex, what is going on? Are you okay, are-' but she interrupts me.

'Kara just get here now, he's here. Mon-El is here and he's alive.'

I drop my phone and rush out the door.