The Final Call

Five Stages of Guilt

Five Stages of Guilt

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"Although many people can be your helper, no one should be closer to you than your own consciousness."

    July 2nd, 2012. The sun smiled at us as our bodies cried tears of urea, salt, and lactate. Soaked entirely in our lives, our bodies quivered with angst and a feeling of unsettledness."You're Manipulative!" She howled at me with a feeling full of wrath. The heated expression echoed in the hollow auditorium of my bare chest. The sound of those words pushed me farther away from reality. She is a force that carries fire up her sleeve. She holds the family together like stitches: Holding our bond up close as we all work to heal one another. She seals the wound with love, making sure it's held tightly in between her soft hands. She stands amongst us yet her light illuminates the room with faith. Her faith was what lead me through. Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking. Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith to get across. "I lied to them..." I whispered and the sound of those words resonated in the back of my head.

I lie because I fear and I fear because I lie; It's a reversible chain. I lie because I'm afraid I'll hurt someone again. I fear I'll lose control. Just then I could feel disappointment take over.

Guilt and Faith hold hands like starcrossed lovers. Guilt has this aura that it carries along. This sense of holding the person back from committing a sin no matter how strong the desire. Faith is what guides the person to the point where realization strikes with full force. Guilt and faith work together side by side until we reach the 5 stages: Denial, Rage, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

Scared and on the run, I was like Genghis Khan before he had found the Mughal Empire. Every day started with "What do you want to do today, Khan?" as a voice called from inside me and ended with a side note...

"If you're afraid - don't do it - if you're doing it, don't be afraid."

It was like running with the devil, only to realize that the devil had been existing within me the entire time. I had sailed the seas of guilt; I had drowned within my own pain. I had passed the 4 stages to finally accept I was wrong. I had found the blue within me; the cold stillness that kept me sane, only to realize that it came with a price.

Denial. It all starts with denial. You commit and deny until your faith dissolves with the left-over pieces of sin. Phrases that last a matter of seconds split in and out of context. Going to and fro with your sentences, you break apart only to realize that you will have to accept what you did wrong to make amends. Yet guilt is eating you out alive like a ravenous monster and you're afraid of her. If only I could time travel and convince you that it was ok to open up. Ignorance is like a delicate fruit, touch it and the bloom is gone. We are lead by ignorance once in denial. All that exists in our minds is a vision of what we want to get past. We don't take anything else in account. Letting go of the past becomes inconceivable and acceptance drifts further away from reality.

Once you know you can't get past without a sense of realization, rage kicks in. Rage has this beautiful way of holding us back from drowning within our inhibitions. Rage is a void that I hold onto as an excuse to break through. Rage is my source to let go. It's what helps me realize that it's time to let go and repent for my actions, that I can't change the past yet I can live in the present and work to make sure I don't repeat it in the future.

Depression is guided by rage. Rage is a sin that lingers in the corner of your bedroom and flickers in place like a star. It is always more than what we see. The feeling is unpleasant, it makes it seem like it was your fault even though you're innocent. We all feel anxious at some point yet depression holds us all hostage. We let it use the best of us to get rid of the pain. You're healing yet it forces you to believe that you're broken to every extent. It pushes you to step out of boundaries to the point where your parents start booking therapy sessions that last a matter of years. You sit in a room with a stranger who looks at you as if you're different. She examines every side of you as if you were an art piece of some sort, notes it down like she knows you. Her job is getting to know you yet she does the exact opposite because depression is what's keeping you from opening up and marking your role. As teens, we've all been in this phase at some point. At this point, you start to feel guilty to the point where you hear God calling your name.

Repentance is a blessing. A revelation of some sort. Except we all receive it in bits in pieces individually. It's a state of peace and openness. You stand in front of God, your hands shivering to a single touch of truth. Your knees clanking like silver spoons in the dark. Your heart racing it's way across. You are part of a healing process that will get you out of this mess. You get a chance, over and over because of His Grace. In front of Him, the truth comes out like a stream within the meadows. Your truth flows out briskly, without any hesitance. You feel free and at peace.

Acceptance. It takes a lot for one to accept. To hold onto the promise of never letting go and then breaking out as if nothing had even bothered you to begin with. You've denied the lies you've built an empire on. You've raged your way out of conversations to prove you're ok. You've cried in a therapist's bathroom to show you're strong. You've talked to God, face to face and received your revelation and now you're ready to accept. You have grown flower buds to seal your own wounds. You have learned to let go.