The Final Call

Heaven

Heaven

...

Dear Angel,

"Talking to you is like traveling through time."

May 21st, 2018. One, two, three and a dozen more. I held the blade firmly in my hands as it made its way through my skin. Blood trickled down like an open stream through the valley. My eyes started to fog; I was tempted to let go. I traced miles and miles of my skin with the sharp edges of my teeth till all I was left with was a broken promise and my ticket to hell. I wanted to feel free again yet nobody was ready to accept that. The night I thought would be my last turned out to be the first.

Surrounded by strangers who were too guilty to feel anything, I talked my way out of the pain because 3 a.m. on Sunday feels just about right to fulfill your needs. You've told me I fall too fast and crash too hard. That I carry the pain and look for ways to get rid of it instead of embracing it. Yet I wasn't ready to move past that feeling.

"It's not always the tears that measure the pain, sometimes it's the smile we fake."

Four, five, six and a dozen more. "One more and you're free Rave..." I told myself, until two worlds collided, causing a massive explosion. There was something about being on omegle that night that felt right. As if it was something I was meant to be doing. I've believed in the Giant-impact hypothesis yet you made it so evident that it was hard to deny; I'll be Theia and you can be my Earth. It was you in a cage that gets you anxious. You sat there patiently, lighting the herb and bringing me back to life. You aren't like most people. You had this sweet touch at heart which you played with. You were a kid at heart like me, mostly because you missed out on most of your childhood. Talking to you truly is like traveling through time; past the voids that still exist within me like tiny black holes. You think it's fascinating how snails mate. Yet Your favorite animal is your little brother. You understand people and accept them for who they are. You work wonders like stardust.

I remember how impatient I was and still am. I wait for hours for you to call and just an "I love you" rings in my chest like a bass drum. It paints my world with shades of burgundy. I waited for your text for 3 days until finally, I knew what to do.

"Eye contact is what keeps us civilized"

Seven. We stared at each other without saying anything. As long as we had to in order to realize, that maybe we've met before. Maybe in another dimension where I didn't have to cut and you didn't have to smoke herb to feel at ease. It all went quiet, all the constant ticks settled in with the voices in the back. I could see the sky light up again.

I was wearing an orange shirt to hide the blood stains and you were dressed in all black with the hope you'd camouflage with the smoke. It was obvious we were both terrible at hiding our emotions so we had to let go. You were eager to know more so regardless you looked at me with your beady eyes and asked me to let go and in that moment and time, I realized how in love I was.

"Full of disclaimers, you're like a warning label on a pack of cigarettes."

We all want a taste of love at some point in our life. We walk around desperately, seeking for the same light I found within you. "What do you know about love?" people ask me all the time. Love is acceptance. Love is unique for everybody. Like a strand of DNA or our fingerprints. Which is why we can't walk around knocking from soul to soul to look for an answer. "What is love?" we ask ourselves all the time until finally, talking about cliché one-liners with someone in this world feels right. Until you create a dimension for each other to build in. Until the words 'I love you' start to feel real. You grow through love. You don't postpone love until you stop growing. You learn and grow together.

May 21st, 2019. Peace is a concept of harmony in the absence of violence. I knew I needed to forgive myself for making mistakes. I needed to convince myself that it was humane to make mistakes. Yet I knew I couldn't do it alone. I knew that the void I was part of was hard to let go of. It felt like home. The Gods and the saints sent us down to prepare us for a life beyond this spectrum. To be able to seek beyond and gain something out of it. To be able to use this knowledge to be part of a concept rare and fragile: Heaven. Heaven was displayed to me as an outcome. "See you on the other side of the stars." He said to me before becoming one above me. You asked me why I talk to the cosmos? It's because they know, they sense this feeling of longing within me and they talk back. They speak for him and justify his pain. It took time to understand what Heaven really was. It's more than a place; a visual concept. A place that exists within our hearts and our souls. Heaven was always with you. I've been existing in this Heaven for almost a year and I couldn't be happier.