Given Up

Chapter 3

I banged on the door for the tenth time. 

I had been stood outside of Auntie Kate's - my house now - for the last forty minutes.  Her old banger was gone so the chance that she was in was slim. I didn't have a key and she wasn't answering her phone.

FFS.

I hated waiting around. I took my phone out and glared at it. C'mon, ring.

And then it did.

"Hello?"

"Kyle, its me, Kate," She was whispering, her voice barely audible over the banging around in the background.  "I can't really talk for long, I have just slipped into the kitchen. What's up?"

"I'm just outside the house..."

"Oh no!"  Her voice was suddenly loud.  "I didn't give you a key, did I? Oh shit. Sorry, God, I swore in front of you again.  Oh Jesus."

She was freaking out.  "It's ok..."

"I, I don't know what to do. Um, I can't leave work right now. Can you go to a friends?" Before I could answer, she carried on.  "No wait, that won't work. I am on the rota until midnight. Um, oh, could you make your way here and you could take the key from me?"

She sounded pretty unsure of herself. I didn't want to cause her stress.

"Yeah sure, just text me the name and address and I will figure it out." 

"Great,". The relief in her voice was palpable. "Ok, just come in the front door and ask for me."

"Ok, see you in a bit."

"Bye." The phone beeped off and I sighed.

Her text came a moment later.  I popped the address into Google Maps.

Christ, according to this it would take me at least an hour to walk there.

FML.

---

Key retrieved from a flustered, apologetic Kate and I was back on my way home. The walk took me right past the Leisure Centre.  I had spent so much time there over the years, it was like a second home to me. I didn't even realise that I had started walking to the entrance until I was almost at the door.  I hesitated but curiosity got the better of me. I'll just have a quick nosey.

I pulled open the heavy door and walked a few feet until I got to the door of the small hall that doubled as the Dojo. It had a wide window inside the door. I peered through it clandestinely. 

Sensei Max was at the front of the class and everyone was in their lines on the mat. I could see Jax and the rest of the gang towards the back as some of the more experienced members. Drew was there of course, but I avoided looking at him. I didn't want to storm across the mats and lay him out. I watched them move with Sensei's commands- the kiai's ringing out around the room. By the look of their sweaty red faces, he had already been working them hard. 

I felt a pang of longing. My muscles clenched:  my body channelling my mind:  I wanted to be in there, moving with them, sparring, learning a new kata.

But I couldn't. Not now. Maybe not ever.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat.

Sensei called out for everyone to take a drink. The door suddenly jerked open, banging into my leg and sending me sprawling back onto the hard tiled floor.

I looked up to see one of the 11/12 year olds, Adam, his face rapidly going as red as a tomato. 

"Oh my God, Kyle, I didn't see you there."  His loud voice echoed in the hall.  He held out his hand and I pulled myself up with it.  "I am so sorry."

He bowed to me: a sign of respect to the black belt I usually wore, which was a higher grade than the blue one that lay around his waist.

"It's fine."  I rubbed at the throbbing pain in my shin.  "You'd better hurry..."

I gestured towards the Dojo. Sensei didn't suffer any dawdling.  Adam smiled at me again with a sorry in his eyes as he scooted off in the direction of the toilets.

I started to make my way towards the front door. What was I even doing here? Looking through the glass like an idiot. My hand was on the plastic door handle when I heard his familiar voice.

'"Ky."

It was quiet enough that I could have pretended that I hadn't heard. The thought flitted through my mind. Years of training under him meant I just couldn't disrespect him: I turned around instantly.  I looked at him quickly and out of habit myself gave a small bow. 

"Sensei."

He came closer to me. He was half a head taller than me and lean with muscle. His dark hair was neat and short as always, stark against the crisp white of his Gi. There was something odd about how he was just the same when everything else in my life had changed. The last time that I had seen him had been at Mum's funeral. I know he spoke to me that day, but I can't really remember what he said. It was all a blur. 

"How have you been?"  His hand reached out and squeezed my shoulder.

"Ok."

"I put a note through your door two weeks ago. Did you get it?"

"Oh, no, we, I'm not living there anymore...they wouldn't let me stay there alone..."

"Of course, I should have realised." The hand on my shoulder squeezed another time before letting go.  "So where are you living now?"

"I just moved in with my Auntie yesterday. She came back from Thailand. We are living just off Levers Lane."

"Good. It is good to be with family at a time like this."

I nodded, rubbing my ear roughly.

"So," He clapped his hands together. "Did you forget your Gi? Since its the first day back, I'll only make you do twenty push ups penance." A grin almost ran over his lips.

Awkward.

"I'm not training."

His head tilted and he considered me for a moment.

"Look, if money is the issue, we can work something out."

I didn't have any money, but that was not the reason.

"That's not...I mean I won't be training again." I said quietly.

A brief look of shock passed across his usually immovable face. "Is that right?"

"Osu Sensei."  My face focused on the ground, feeling the heat of his penetrating gaze.

"Why not?"

The reason splashed across my vision like I was watching a movie at an IMAX.  My heart sped and my throat started to constrict.  I couldn't explain without breaking down and I have managed to go this far without doing so, that I wasn't going to start now.

"I have to go...".   I couldn't take it anymore. I bowed and turned.

"Kyle wait..." I heard him utter as the door closed behind me.