Given Up

Chapter 39

I knocked loudly on the door.

I knocked again, a few seconds later, and again.

"Keep your hair on!"  Dre's voice was matched by an angry expression that quickly dissipated when he saw me.  He didn't say anything but stood back and held the door open for me.

"So you heard..."

It didn't need to be said.  We could both tell just by looking at each other.

I saw some feet sticking out from the sofa and took a step forward to see Chris sleeping on the sofa, a blanket draped over his small body.

"The foster bitch rang Chris earlier: saying some shit about how Diego had seduced her husband into some sort of sex game that had gone wrong."

I clenched my fists.

"Bullshit, the guy was forcing him.  He told me."

Chris stirred then.  Dre nodded his head to the door and we headed back out to the driveway, leaving the door ajar.

"I told Chris that Diego was a lot of things but he cared about him.  He wouldn't have cheated."  Dre took a gulp of the chilly air.  "I don't know that he heard me, he cried himself to sleep in the end."

I nodded and thought of the way he was with Chris.  "He loved him, I think."

Dre rubbed the back of his head.  "This is majorly fucked up.  I wish he'd said something.  I would have sorted the guy out myself."

"He didn't want anyone to know.  He thought it was the price he had to pay to stay there.  I couldn't get him to tell the Social, the Police..."

"He is...was...a stubborn fucker."  Dre shook his head.

It was hard to swallow the massive lump in my throat and stop tears falling at the same time.

The door creaked and I looked up to see Chris.  His face was pale and tear stained.  He was dressed only in boxer shorts and the overall effect made him look like a lost waif.  My chest physically hurt.  He was too young to lose someone he loved; too young to go through what I went through.  I didn't move towards him: I wasn't sure what reception I would get from him after everything that had gone down between me and Diego.

Wordlessly, he threw himself at me and I hugged him back as tight as he held me.  Sobs worked their way through his body and into mine and I squeezed him harder.  He pulled away and Dre immediately took him under his arm.

"I hope it's okay that I came by.  I don't know if he told you, but we kinda fell out a few days ago..."  I waited to see anger come into Chris' eyes; for him to realise that I was the reason that all this had happened.  It never came.

"He told me you two had had a fight.  He was gutted about it.  He didn't have that many proper friends, you know?"

I didn't think it was possible for my stomach to sink any lower, but it did.  I let him down so badly - not just by not telling someone about what was happening to him but by blaming him entirely for Cassie's collapse.  It was hard now to remember the anger that I had felt for him just yesterday.  I had been so angry that the pills he gave her could have left Cassie for dead; but now here he is the one that is gone for good, and the last thing I told him was basically that I didn't care about him. 

"I just can't believe this has happened.  It just doesn't feel real."  Chris's voice held all the emotion I felt.

I nodded in agreement.

"I keep expecting him to jump out from somewhere and tell me it was all an elaborate prank.  He always liked to joke."  A smile flittered across his face and was quickly replaced by a blank stare into space.  "Why was he even with that guy?" 

"He wasn't."

"He wasn't?"  Chris looked at me hopefully.

My teeth were gritted as I looked to Dre for confirmation that it was ok to tell him.  Dre nodded.

"No, of course not.  Since he got there, the bastard was forcing him to..." My voice trailed off.

"He told you?" 

I nodded.

"Oh God."  Chris's eyes surged full of tears.  "Oh poor D."

Dre pulled him around in front of him.

"That fucker will pay for it.  I know people inside.  I will make sure of it.  Understand?"  Dre's voice was full of anger and I believed him and felt better for it.  Chris looked like he did too until a moment later, when his face crashed.

"But he didn't tell me.  Why not?"  Chris started to cry again and Dre held him tighter, whispering calming words to him until he stopped.

It was strange to see Dre's tough facade put to one side: to see his capacity to be so gentle and caring for his brother.

"Inside, Christos or you will freeze.  Go ask Mum to make us all some tea, yeah?"  Dre turned him towards the door and he complied, the warm air slipping out as he stepped in.  Dre went to go in after him, but I touched him on the arm.  He looked back at me without turning.

"I want some gear." 

He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a spliff.  "Let's smoke it inside, it's freezing."

"No, not weed.  Something stronger."  My voice sounded dull.  Like someone had taken the life out of it.  I kept seeing images; of Diego, of Mum.  I needed something to block it all out, so I felt as numb as I sounded.  He gave me a puzzled look and took his foot off of the step.  I felt heat under his gaze as he considered me for a moment.

"No," he said, flatly.

"Why not?  I've got money." I gritted my teeth.

He crossed his arms.  "You don't want it.  Not really."

"I am telling you that I do.  Since when are you so discerning about your customers."  Cassie's face flashed through my mind.

He looked at me, unfazed.

"I said no."

Rage was burning in me.  I wanted to flatten him, to take him out.  I pushed him then, hard.  I knew he had a temper and I wanted to see it.  He grabbed me and threw me up against the wall, pain splintering up my spine. Scott's warning about him flashed through my mind but I didn't care.  Even getting my own arse kicked would be better than feeling how I was.  His hands curled into fists and I got ready for it, adrenaline starting to flow through me. 

Come on, hit me. 

I need it. 

I deserve it.  

Just as quickly, he relaxed his body and let go of me, shaking out his hands.

"No.  It won't help anything."  I wasn't sure if he was referring to a fight or drugs.  "Spliff is my final offer."

He held it out. 

I grabbed it roughly from him before storming off.