The Kronkfic

Chapter Five

the phone rings again, and you consider eating it to stop it from ringing. alas, you pick it up.

"hi, i'm a lawyer," the lawyer says through the phone. "two things. first of all, you get all of jordan smordan's money, so congrats my dude."

you laugh. "lmao, who's that?"

"i don't know, bro, some hermaphrodite mail person," the lawyer says.

"ohhhh, my dead hermaphodite mail person fiancé," you say in realization. "i get all of the money?"

"yep," the lawyer says. "the will was updated extremely recently, and it says all the money goes to you."

"hell yeah!" you say. "that's the only reason we were going to get married."

the lawyer laughs. "savage! the other thing was that since you are the other parent of ur mom gonzales, and the mother is dead as a doornail, you get full custody."

"what?" you ask in disbelief. "hell no, i'm not raising a child."

"ur mom is your responsibility, i'm afraid," the lawyer says. "well, later skater!"

many things run through your mind at this time. at least you get all the money from your dead hermaphrodite mail person fiancé. maybe you can pay off the little bugger with your inheritance. also, ur mom is a great name for a child.

tired of all this stress, you get in the car and drive to panera. when did life become this hectic?

it's eight-sixteen, and you're at panera, but you don't see bernetta anywhere. where did she go?

"y/n," a voice calls, in a whispery tone. you look over. it isn't bernetta, but miss birdwell, kronk's wife.

you walk over and sit down at the table with miss birdwell. "hey, can you make it quick? i'm actually meeting-"

"bernetta, i know," miss birdwell says. her hand goes up to her scalp and she reveals that her white-blonde hair was actually a wig, hiding the red hair of bernetta. with the wig off, miss birdwell was fully transformed into bernetta. you feel slightly stupid that you didn't know this already. "my full name is bernetta birdwell," she says, her voice serious and quiet. "i know you're seeing kronk, and i have to warn you. you're not safe with him."

"of course i am," you say. kronk is your one true love.

"darling, please, listen to me," bernetta says. "there's a key you need to know about. it-" she's cut off by her cellphone ringing from her pocket. "oh my god, it's kronk. swear to me you won't tell anyone that we ever met."

"i swear," you say, rubbing your wenis as a nervous habit.

bernetta gets up and leaves, and you're stuck there, sitting alone. you decide to get to the bar early, so that you don't have to go back home.

you get to the bar and wait for about six minutes, sipping from a glass of water. you aren't one for pregaming.

"hey," kronk says, sitting down beside you. "i just got off the phone with miss birdwell, we're divorced now."

"that's great," you say. of course, you were there when bernetta birdwell picked up the phone, but you keep that to yourself. instead, you tell him something else. "i have to tell you something, kronk."

"what is it, y/n?" kronk asks, reaching out and grabbing your hands.

"when i was born, my heart was just an empty container. like a shoe box without any shoes. or a dresser without clothes. or a toy chest without toys. or a sombrero without chili." you take your sombrero off and chili falls down on your head. you put the sombrero back on your head and continue. "i was going to die. my parents blamed me for it and abandoned me. they're very stupid. the doctors filled my heart with mashed potatoes. that's the real reason i won't eat mashed potatoes, kronk. it's like cannibalism." you aren't like most gender-neutral life forms, you don't want to be a cannibal.

"thank you for informing me," kronk says. "i still love you."

you nod, happy to finally get that off your chest.

"i want to be with you forever," kronk says, rubbing your shoulders, making you horny. "do you want that too?"

"of course," you say. you couldn't imagine a world without kronk, your beloved.

"good," kronk says. "i ordered this for you already." he hands you a glass with a dark liquid in it.

"thank you, kronk," you say. you take the glass and gulp it all down. it tastes like true love.

"i can get you another one if you'd like," kronk says, eyeing your empty glass.

"no, i'm fine," you say. "i'm going to go to the bathroom, actually."

kronk smiles and you smile back at him. you make your way to the bathroom. you're feeling a bit weird, but that might just be because you aren't a big alcohol drinker. no, you really aren't feeling alright, do you need to sit down? the room is spinning and you aren't in your body anymore. you don't know where you are. where did kronk go. where are you. where am i. someone help me. who is that person that looks like me it's not me stop laughing at me give me my body back why is it getting dark i don't like the dark turn the lights on please someone help me