The Sounds of Colors

Prologue

JANAE~ I cannot see.

        Except for the shades of light in morning as morning turns into day and
day turns into night. I cannot see shapes or colors or anything of that sort. I do not know
what an apple looks like, or a balloon, or a cat... I can guess... but I will never know for sure... 

       They couldn't fix me... I was born like this... blind... my mom blames reticulation- a rare retina cancer- the doctors blame a trauma during pregnancy, my grandma blamed genetics, and my father blamed a sexually transmitted disease. Maybe it was all four.... Maybe it was none of
them... I do not know... One would think, being like this, being blind, that every sound or smell that is unrecognizable would scare me. But I have grown used to being blind. I do not blame the doctors for not being able to fix me. They aren't magical; no one can prevent damage to something that has been broken since it was created. I have grown used to this. I am aware that I am missing out on something... but since I never knew it in the first place, I've stopped caring of what i'm missing... I've heard though, that people who are like me say that you cannot miss something you've never seen... I guess that's true. For instance, I do not miss the color of my mother's eyes, because I never saw them in the first place. I've become so familiar with her voice though that I do not fear what she looks like. 

           I do have two great fears though. I've been scared for so long of large crowds of people and noise. I'm afraid of getting so caught up in the noise that I cannot hear my mom or dad's voices calling to me... I'm afraid that I will get lost in the noise. Which is the reason that this will be my first year at a public school... I have sort of grown out of that fear, but never take me to a fair or a concert... I will panic. 

           It makes me laugh then, to tell my next fear... even though it is not funny at all.I am terrified of being in a space completely devoid of sound... of finding myself in a place with absolutely no noise. The silence means I am all alone... and I am horrified of being alone. I guess you could say "Janae is scared of noise and terrified of silence."

      MOSES~   I was almost four when I became deaf.

         When my parents, baby sister and I were caught in the car accident, my dad broke his knee, my mother split the back of her skull, and my baby sister came away unharmed in her little car seat. I suffered a head blow that knocked my eardrums permanently out of alignment. 

         It took about a year, but my dad's knee healed, my mom's scabs faded and our cuts went away. And they did try to fix me... but... here I am today... still deaf. I really don't care... I mean, yes, I miss the sound of my mom's voice, my father's laugh, even Bailey's crying... but at least I have no worry in classes of being distracted by talking.

         It throws people off- it's kind of funny- when they find out I am deaf. I've gotten so good at reading mouths that I'm not even in the Special Ed's classes. I know I could be better at reading lips, and maybe I'd really achieve something if I took more ASL, but I hated the looks I got when I signed... so I switched to take hearing classes. I'm also not in any music classes but I do love painting.

       I know. It's strange for a twelfth grade boy to love drawing and painting... however, it is also strange for a boy to be deaf and be in the twelfth grade honors classes.

      I am actually quite grateful that I can see still. If I had a choice to lose a sense, well, I'd pick taste, but like, if I could go back in time to the crash and if I only had a choice between hearing and say, seeing... I'd choose to see. I love the sunsets and the sun rays streaming through a canopy, the vibrant colors of paints and the subtle shades of sketching... I'm glad that I can see how big Bailey had gotten, or the tour we took in the Amazon... or even my reflection in the mirror.

      I would be devastated if I were to wake up and find that this is all a dream... that I am actually blind.

JANAE~ I hate to say this, and I know I shouldn't ....

MOSES~ but maybe I am a little mad at God...

JANAE~ for giving me one less sense than anyone else around me

MOSES~ because yes, I have to admit...

Both~~ this is starting to cripple me for life...