It Hurts Sometimes

Little Backstory

So just to give you a little bit of before we met. I'm 20 years old, was 19 when we first started talking online, and i'm bisexual. Now it wasn't until we were dating for almost 3 months that my family really found out about my sexuality. It wasn't easy, I don't think it's ever easy for anyone going through the same struggle. I come from a heavily Christian family where we are taught girls like boys and it's wrong to like someone of the same sex. I knew I liked both genders since the fifth grade, so growing up in churches where the people spit out these lies about who you can and shouldn't love really fucked with my mind as a child. I tried to be someone my parents would approve of, I tried not showing interest in dating or girls. But it's hard. My first relationship was with a girl, granted it didn't last long but still. After I had 3 future boyfriends, all of which ended tragically and lasted no longer than a month tops.

After my last relationship I thought that was it. I will grow up alone and die alone, and for a while I didn't mind that thought. I figured it was for the best. But I was so wrong. June 2018 I started watching a show on Netflix (Riverdale). That is where it all started. You can't help but fall in love with the characters. Especially the ones you relate most to. Cheryl, a girl who had been told by her mom that her love for girls was wrong, it was 'deviant'. Me, a girl who was told by her grandma and parents that being gay was a sin, it was against the bible. In July 2018, after following many Riverdale fan accounts, I was sent a post by a girl who was getting a lot of hate on social media, asking if I wanted to join a group chat on twitter to support one of the shows main characters who was also receiving a lot of hate. So after years of inactivity on twitter, I started my account back up again.

We didn't talk a lot one on one at first. It was only in August of that year that we started talking more. There were many people in that group chat, but it was her that always made me smile. Whenever she joined the chat my heart skipped a beat and I would get excited. And when she would leave my heart would drop a little, but I knew she would be there when I wake up.

At this time she didn't know my problems, she didn't know about my self inflicted scars or my constant need for a drink or a smoke just to get rid of the pain for a little while. But one night, after being challenged on my flirting skills, did we really get to talking. Flirting in the group chat as we had a deeper conversation in our own one-to-one chat. And it may sound crazy, but it's like before we started talking my heart already knew she was the one. So as the night went on and we continued sharing stories and memories I was falling deeper and deeper, harder and harder for her. I was falling in love. How do fall in love with someone you've never met? Someone you know is an ocean away? Well, honestly, as I continued to fall in love with her, all those thoughts faded away. Because I knew I never wanted to let her go. I wanted her to be mine.

Butttttttt, slight problem. She had a girlfriend at the time. Now I didn't know at the time how bad her girlfriend was, all I really knew was that she wasn't the best. But after hours of talking, an all-nighter of falling so deeply in love, that thought too faded away for a little while.