Diary of a Broken Girl

Lies

We've all  been lied to. Let's not pretend otherwise.

My parents lie when they say they love me.

My friends lie when they say they care.
I lie to myself when I think "this will get better. One day something will change. It has to."
Well. It hasn't. I've been waiting patiently. I've been waiting for 4 years for something to change. Maybe even before that.

In middle school they put me on watch. They weren't sure if I could be trusted. I wasn't either.

In high school I always heard rumors.

Whispers behind my back about me and what I do with my life and my free time.

My senior year was when it all really hit the fan.

I can't say that I started this thing, because I didn't. He started it, and i got blamed for it.
I guess that's really where this whole thing starts. I don't know. Maybe my timeline is wrong. I don't think it really matters.
So we get together and we're just hanging out, normal. In his truck, cuddling, in the parking lot of Food Lion.

I'm just running my fingers through his hair and laying back. I'm drawing little faces into the fog on the windows as it rains outside.

Lulled by the sound of the rain on his truck and on the ground.

At one point we make eye contact. And he leans up. I don't do anything to dissuade him. This is where my first lie occurs. In my head I say "this means nothing."

To him, yes. I'm just a rebound. I'm just "easy" I guess. I'm there. I'm willing.

To me. I though that I really wouldn't care. It's everything that comes after that convinces me that I've just lied to myself in a way that will be hard to bounce back from.

To clarify a little let's just go into some details.
I'm me. From previous chapters it's pretty obvious I'm just one giant ball of angst and emotions. He's him. He's part of one of my friend circles. He's recently broken up with a girl who was also part of the circle but only as a add in. She was with him, so she got to be in.

It's been a month since they broke up. I have a class with her, I know she's fucked this other guy at least twice, (I also know this other guy has a girlfriend while she's doing this but I guess I'll let it go... for now. It'll come back up later).

So when I find myself in this situation with this guy I "used" to have a crush on back in middle school probably 5 years ago and a minor crush on again 3 years ago, I convince myself I won't get hurt. I convince myself it'll just be what it is and I'll be fine with it.

I lied.

We get into this. We hang out 3 times in a week. Just hanging out, making out, that kind of thing. We don't have sex.

While we're doing whatever it is that we were doing, he calls her. He wants to get back together with her. He's a mess. He's drinking, smoking, just destroying himself.
She's just fucking this other guy.
On this same call in which he's trying to get back together she tells him about the other guy. To get back at her, he tells her about me.
I told myself I couldn't give a shit about her and her opinion.

I lied.

She starts spreading shit. It's not the first time I've had this problem. I know a lot of people. I do whatever I want. Some people like me some people hate me. It's whatever.

She tells this sordid tale about how u stole her boyfriend. About how I fucked her boyfriend.
A MONTH after they broke up I started hanging out with him. And the first time it was a group of us. 6 of us all hanging out. She wasn't invited because she's not in the group without him. (She threw a fit when she saw us all together and she didn't get invited). And then we independently made plans. I don't remember why or how.

I was being a petty bitch. Posting me wearing his sweatshirts and shit I knew would make her angry since she's spreading all these fake rumors about me and what I'm doing with my life.

As her tale progresses she leaves out the fact that she fucked this other guy on the side. She makes me out to be a bad guy. She makes me out to be a boyfriend stealer. She's helping some guy CHEAT ON HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH HER. But I'M the slut for fooling around with your EX boyfriend???

Anyways. Suddenly as all this drama is coming out these people who are my"friends" start coming out of the woodwork talking about "oh yeah she's been talking shit about you all year".

I told myself that my friends would always have my back and tell me when people were trying to start shit about me.

I lied.

I lost a lot of friends. I had told myself that I didn't care what happened with his boy.

I lied.

He stopped talking to me, wouldn't reply to my messages. Just simple ones. "Are you okay?" "How are you feeling" "everything alright?"

Next thing I hear from someone else in the circle is "oh yeah he's got a girlfriend now"

Now flashback.

I asked him "hey are we over?" I mean he was the one who said we were "friends with benefits". That's a label. So technically there has to be an "end" to it. Right?

I asked him if we were over. He never responds and a week later has a girlfriend??? Okay. Sure.

Well senior week happens and he's part of the group I go with. I'm not quite over him. He's still with the girl. He was a dick to me so I'm trying to get over him. I told myself that it wouldn't be hard.

I lied.

Plenty of pictures from that trip show us together. Cuddled together, laying together, on top of each other, etc. Well on night we're both laying on the ground next to each other. He wakes up, and tells me he's going to move his bed. He asks me if I want to come with him. I say, "no?". He nods and goes into his room. I wonder every single day, what would've happened if I said yes. He was inviting me to his bed. Everyone else in the apartment was asleep.

It was only recently that I realized that I was finally over him.

I saw him and he was with another girl who was a part of the group. She was there the whole time, she saw the way the whole thing went down. They are now dating.

I've been kicked out of the circle. No one ever tries to include me in plans unless they're trying to screw me.

I just want someone to just. I don't know. Make plans. Not say that they want to spend more time with me but make plans with others and not even say "hey we're doin something wanna join?"

They lied.

They said they wanted to spend more time with me, but they go out with other people all the time and never say a single thing.

It hurts. I hurt. But it's not like they care. God I wish someone cared. But anyways.

They lied. The end.