Diary of a Broken Girl

Covet

It's me. I'm not enough.

Time and time again I look back on everything that has happened. And the only common denominator is me.

The ones I want never want me, and the ones that want me are ones I will never want.

And even when they want me, they don't want me the same way I want them. And I'm stupid for thinking that it will change.

They are willing to cheat to try something with me. But they don't want to leave what they have to pursue me. It doesn't matter if it's during or after.

And I guess I deserve it. I guess it's all I deserve. I don't think that there will ever come a day where someone will tell me, I love you.

I don't think that they'll mean it. And I've been through so much, that I don't think that there will come a time, where I believe anyone when they may say those words to me.

Everyday I want someone to love me. And I want them to love me in the way that I feel I deserve. And everyday I'm reminded that I don't deserve. I don't deserve kindness, or love, and even sympathy. So it makes sense, then, that I rarely receive any of these things, if I receive them at all.

Then it makes sense, that I want something I can never have. Because all of my life has been me wanting things I know I will never receive. And most of all that pertains to love.

I want my parents to love me, but if they loved me, I don't think I would be so miserable.

I want someone outside my family to love me. Or at least to care about if I am loved. Instead I get played, and I play myself. And I act surprised when everything I think is true crashes and burns.

One day I want to be able to forget all of the pain of my life. As it is I can only forget the most important things I am supposed to remember.

I remember everything I want to forget.

Even that feels deserved.

I want to forget. I'd do anything to forget that I am never loved. Only covered for what I do not want to offer.