Searching in the silence

Letter no. 1

I did love you.

I think.

Okay yes you might think that I've overreacted or 'gone off the rails' but you don't know. You only knew the parts I let you, the story's I tainted with white lies, the false memories I let you believe. You fell in love with the person I pretended to be.

Bless, you tried your best. To understand how I felt, to tell me it was all going to be okay, to say that I'd always have you and we'd get through this together. But that's not strictly true is it Tom? You see you tried your best but that wasn't good enough.

You were so content with me just being ordinary, a few penny's to my (fake) name, my transparent personality, a beige taste in music and tv. But then again you were rather bland. I guess I was intrigued by you. It's a shame I was so disappointed.

You blame yourself I know but I think it was fate. I was destined for more than late nights cuddled in bed, silently loathing the pressure of your skin against mine. It was confining. Constructing. agonizing. But how were you to know. You were blinded by rose tinted glasses, oblivious to all the warning signs. You see to you I was everything but to me you were expendable. Without realising it you were bending to my every will.

Our first meeting was such a strange occurrence don't you think? Planned almost.

You: slumped at the bar alone, left without the warm company of Lucy from tinder.

Me: writing the apology text that Lucy would send, no longer interested in the nights fruitful endeavours. 

I worked on that profile for months, making sure that every detail was so precise and polished that you couldn't resist swiping right. Did you not think it strange when I 'stumbled' spilling my drink on your pristinely ironed clothes when just 2 mins earlier you were begging for someone - anyone- to save you from pure embarrassment. Hmm. Maybe your not as bright as I would have hoped.

What was it you used to say? That I had a gaze that could control any room. I guess that's the most truthful thing you ever said about me. But did you ever stop to think what that meant. What I was capable of.

I thought of you today as I scrubbed at the blood grimed into the folds of my palms. Perhaps for the first time since I stopped hiding behind my facade of lies and deceit. You'd be pleased with me. Dare I say proud.

I'd did an excellent job wouldn't you say ;)

All my love
Hazel  x