Silence.

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Calvin

I've been dating Zoe for a week and two days now. Honestly it feels good to have a girlfriend longer than seven days.

Whenever I have a breakdown– because of my mothers death– she tries to comfort me, but I always push her away. I feel bad, but it just doesn't feel right. It feels right when Ryan comforts me, not Zoe. Ryan.

Besides the fact that I push Zoe away sometimes, our relationship is going well, right? I mean she doesn't technically get mad at me; she lets me have my space. Sometimes I feel like, because of that, I'm a bad boyfriend, but she never brings it up.

“Dude, were you crying?” Zeke asks in a tone that most teenage boys use when another is crying. A tone of mockery. I just stare at him, my chin resting on my crossed arms that sit on the table in front of me, daring him to go on. Instead he changes his tone to a concerned one.

“Did you and Zoe break up? I saw her walking fast in the halls, she seemed kinda sad.” He's whispering. I avert my eyes to my History book in front of me.

It's our free period right now, and the best way to spend it is studying in the library. That's right!

I look up. Zeke is sitting across from me, his chemistry book open, looking at me like I'm a little injured baby seal. But something, someone, behind him catches my eye.

She's sitting there, her face in a book. The Fault in our stars to be exact, great book. She looks beautiful, her hair pulled back and her eyes shining. But that's not what catches my eye, what catches my eye is the fact that she keeps glancing up. That her face keeps flashing emotions. That she might be eavesdropping. . . whatever.

“I'm surprised. I mean she is super popular, and the fact she went out with you is surprising! Not to offend you, but it. . . amuses me.” Zeke's voice is getting louder by every word that comes out of his mouth. I see Ryan behind him glancing up again acting like she's annoyed with Zeke's loudness. The librarian– a young woman with flaming red hair styled in a bun, and pencil on her ear.– tells Zeke to shut up.

He huffs at the same time lowering his voice to a strained whisper, like it troubles him to keep quiet. Which, evidently, it does. “You're a nobody, and a nerd to the popular group.”

I sit up, “Not necessarily,” I pause, “I mean, not to all of them. Obviously some of them, Zoe, thinks of me more highly than that. I'm not at the lowest of the low. Think of the groups at the school as the food chain. The highest being, um, a bear, and the lowest a grasshopper. We would be, let's see, a raccoon. Were not the smallest, but we're still tertiary consumers.” I state my theory. Zeke looks at me like I grew a third eye. His brown eyes giving me a questionable look.

I just shrug putting us in a silence.

Our weird silence is broken when Ryan gets up and gathers her things. At first I think she's leaving, so I ignore her. But when she walks over to us, her ponytail bouncing in a majestic way, and sits down next to me. I start to have second thoughts.

“What you guys talking about?” she asks setting her books down quietly.

“Nothing,” Zeke mutters.

I laugh to myself. She's acting like she wasn't eavesdropping, I think. “You tell us, you were obviously eavesdropping.” I state coldly. She shoots me a glare.

“Whatever you say, Calvin.”

“It's true.”

“No it's not!”

“Yes it is!”

“No!”

“Yes!” we go back in forth in loud whispers.

“Guys! Stop acting like little kids for Sherlock's sake!” Zeke buts in, stopping our childish bickering.

“Sherlock, seriously?” Ryan laughs.

“He's obsessed. He watched the whole series about ten times. When he finishes he looks like a zombie screaming 'The feels! They hit me so HARD!'” I whisper into Ryan's ear. She throws her head back, laughing her beautiful laugh. Stop it! I scold myself.

“It's not funny!” Zeke says under his breath. The other occupants of the library glare at us as if silently telling us to shut our mouths.

“Okay. About Zoe, why the heck would she go out with you?” that's Ryan.

“My exact thoughts.” and that's Zeke. I give them a look saying really guys.

“Just to clarify, I'm just kidding.” Thank you Ryan. “And I know for a fact that they did not break up, Zeke.”

“Ah, so you were eavesdropping.” I say.

“Yes. Now let's get back to the point. I know you guys have been dating for about a week now, but at some point you have to let her in. I think she really likes you.”

“But. . .” I try to say. “Calvin, I know it's hard, but it has to happen.” Ryan cuts in.

“So you didn't break up?” Zeke speaks his thoughts.

I just ignore him.

“Really? How would you know, Ryan? Tell me.” I say, feeling hate towards her all over again.

“Because I've lost people in my life, too. Retard.” she shoots back.

“Well, that person wasn't ripped away from you're life, so suddenly, like the people in my were. You knew he was gonna die, but I didn't! So just go back to your perfect life, and leave me alone.” I know I crossed the line, but I think she deserves that.

She looks at me, hurt in her beautiful eyes, tears brimming them. Lip starting to quiver. And I stare back trying to show no pity, even though I feel it.

I know how close she was to her grandfather. I know that he was one of her only escapes. I know she used to visit him everyday in the hospital, a little 9 year-old girl seeing her grandfather lie in his soon-to-be death bed.

And most importantly I know her life isn't perfect.

She gathers her stuff, a tear falling down her face. She mutters a 'bye' then stops and looks at me, whispering so quietly that I can barley hear: “My life isn't perfect. You should know.” then she leaves. And to me her walking away right now feels like she's walking out of my life again.

Like I'm in sixth grade again. Losing my best friend to something silly yet very emotionally heartbreaking, that I can't take it. Watching her leave.

I let a single tear fall down my cheek.

I barely remember Zeke's presence, 'cause all I can really do is watch her leave.

Maybe my break downs aren't just about my mother dieing or my sister leaving. Maybe they're also about Ryan throwing me out like she did.

So now, me just staring at the door she left through, I'm overwhelmed by the quiet whispers.

And the silence that calms me, yet kills me.

The silence.

Silence.