Look I am who i am and ive done what ive done for a reason. Ive felt like i needed to or someone has made it clear that i needed to. People told me i was too fat and should stop eating...what did i do? yeah i stopped eating they told me i needed to die so i made an effort at it. No I'm not saying i don't want to die because right now i do last night i wanted to tomorrow ill want to. I get up every morning and figure out I'm gonna make it through the day and the past few day its been codeine I wake up get ready take a little go to school and when that wears of i take a little more and then i come home starve myself and then go upstairs and find it.... the thing i call my only friend. The bright and shiny and just long enough to fit between my thumb and fore finger and just sharp enough to cut deep and leave deep gashes in my thigh or my arm or my stomach. Yeah i think tonight it will be my stomach. I walked over and pulled that great blade out of my drawer and looked at my bare stomach and felt the sweet pain of that sharp blade hitting my stomach, the deeper i go the better it feels, the better i feel. Why is it that inflicting pain on myself makes me feel better about myself it just makes me feel better in general. I crave this feeling thought out the day.. all day everyday. The feeling i get from seeing blood drip down my stomach or my arms or my thighs make me happier any time.I cut once, I cut twice, I cut three times this time going deeper than the last one. That's enough for tonight. I walked over to my closet and pulled a box out and opened it. Its full of pictures of me as a child when i seemed to be happy. My father was in them. well noe my father is dead... not really hes just dead to me.But hell that was a happier time and if he was still here things would be different, i wouldnt be at this school bc my mom wouldnt be married to James. I wouldnt live with my two jackass step brothers either. Its been about an hour now and my stomach still hasnt stopped bleeding so i went to the bathroom and grabbed a thing of gauze and placed it on my cut applying enough pressure to stop the bleeding. Now i just want to get my mind off of things so i grabbed my keys and just went for a drive i wasnt paying any attention to where i was driving and all of the sudden i realized i was at the house i was raised in. I sat there for a moent taking in all of the changes and then remebering the way my room used to look and the swing set in the back yard and you can still see where the pool was bc of the ring of dead grassbehind the back deck, I remeber the day my dad and i jumped from the deck to the pool and my mom freaked out told us we wernt allowed to do that again because we'd end up killing ourselves and now she cant even tell that everyday i wanna die a little more.She doesnt see my life slip away more and more everyday or the light in my eyes slowly disapearing. I used to have this bright future a head of me and now all i see is darkness. But the people I live with dont even know how much i hat emyself nor do they notice the fact that im not eating. I dont understand i mean am i that hated that even they dont notice. Shes my mom she should be noticing these things. She doesnt even notice that I dont even wear shorts or short sleved shirts anymore or the fact that i always have a sweatshirt or cardigan on to cover my arms. I just wanna give up most days, I just try to stay out of there way so i dont get yelled or screamed at i mean seriously i just wish someone cared most days. I dont need alot of people in my life i just mainly want one person who actually cares. Thats it, thats all i ask.
