The Light In the Darkness {Clexa endgame}

Chapter 20 - Clarke

I found myself alone in the house when I returned. There was a note saying that they had headed to town and would be back by dinner. I sighed and searched the fridge for something to eat. One pie was still left and I was tempted to eat it, but with great reluctance I left it alone. Instead, I pulled out deli ham, lettuce, tomato, and mustard. Placing them on the counter, I went into the pantry and pulled out the marbled rye/pumpernickel loaf. Making the sandwich, my mind wandered off and made me think about Mom. I wanted to know if she was alright. If someone was looking out for her. Hoping that Jaha wasn't harassing her. I desperately wanted to call her and let her know what was going on, but of course that couldn't happen.

Finishing the sandwich and putting everything away, I took it to the dining room table and opened up my laptop. I automatically opened my email and smiled when I saw an email from my fan. I eagerly opened it up and reading it, I felt glad that my painting had such an effect on her. Then the sadness descended when I realized that my paintings didn't give me that same calmness. I wrote her back and impulsively I told her about my feelings in regards to my paintings. I sent it off and finished eating.

I walked back onto the back deck, sitting in a chair, and watched the work being done on the stable. I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew, the doorbell was ringing and I woke up, startled and let out a small scream. The doorbell rang again and I shakily got up to answer it. My heart pounded as I neared it, but all fear fell away when I looked at the monitor by the door and saw who it was. I grinned wide as I opened the door and Raven was there. I immediately drew her in a hug as we squealed in delight.

She pulled back and searched my face. She smirked and raised an eyebrow when she saw my head.

"I thought you said you would never, ever shave your head," she said and ran her hand over the newly shaven side.

I closed my eyes at the pleasant sensation. When I opened my eyes, I shrugged and said, "I changed my mind. Things have not been going well for me lately."

Looking worried, she asked, "What's going on?"

I pulled her into the house and we sat down in the living room.

We turned to face each other and I looked down at my hands as I said, "I've started having nightmares. Bad ones. I've woken up screaming and to calm down, Nate or Bellamy have had to sleep with me. And every time I try to sketch the forest, the mill and pond show up, unbidden."

"Oh, Clarke," she said and drew me into a hug. "I'm so sorry, baby. What are you doing about it?"

She let me go and sitting back, I replied, "I'm just trying to distract myself enough that I don't think about it during the day. I'm afraid of picking up my sketch pad, but I did set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist. It's just so hard for me, every day. I know everyone's worried and that makes me angry. Rae, I'm scared. I can't even enjoy Italian food anymore. I don't feel like myself anymore and that's why I shaved the other side of my head. I feel alien, not comfortable in my own skin, even."

She nodded, sympathetically and wiped my tears away with her thumb. I shivered at her touch and she smiled slightly seeing it.

"I wish I could've left sooner," she said softly. "It was hard to leave without anybody knowing. I did stop by your mom's before I headed out. She sends her love and wanted me to tell you that she's hanging in there even though she misses you terribly."

"Thank you," I replied. "I've been worried about her."

She nodded and said, "I know, that's why I made sure to see her. Um, she gave me our hospital records. All of ours. She also gave me our birth certificates, revised birth certificates. I'm sorry to say that Jaha had our birth parents and place of birth removed from the certificates. He's completely removed us from Arcadia like we were never born."