yin and yang (a badbunny fanfic / completed)

the light

Being in California brought me so many more opportunities. I was writing for a lot of artists and have been working specifically with Benny Blanco with producing. This was a weird time. I never thought to be working with celebrities but I guess I'm way passed that point where I feel like I should be doing something that my mother would approve of. I had bigger bridges to burn now.

Even the busy jobs couldn't keep my mind off of Benito. I was undeniably in love with him. I really really fucked him over when I thought I was doing the right thing but I can be so self centered sometimes. I wanted to someone different for him and I ended up hurting him like every other girl. I fought myself everyday to not call him. What was I supposed to say? Could this be mended? I heard through the grapevine that he had his baby. I missed the most important moments of his life and I know he was having a hard time. I just know.

But now I'm here and he's somewhere and I hate myself for it. After finding out about the baby being born, I reminisce everyday about helping him raise him and building a family. Was it even possible now? Not even in the least. Justice and I headed out to Benny's get together. He had a close knit of friends that usually came as artists that he produced. I loved that he always made a connection with them. Benny and I got much closer since I started working with him but more in like a brotherly way of course. I think I'm going to be old and gray without anyone. Benito will always have my heart.

"Perra, look at all these fine men walking around. You know, Noriel might be a little gay. Let me holla." Justice said, strutting his way over. I giggled and watched him leave. I sat with Natti, Karol and this other girl Paloma. I was fucking ecstatic to be hanging around other women. We mostly listened to Karol talk about Annuel and how he ended up winning the award instead of her so she broke up with him for that night. They were such two funny people that they just went well together.

"Ugh, please Karol shut up." Natti said with a laugh behind it. Karol scoffed but fell silent. Paloma eased in closer to me. "What about you? What's the tea?" Paloma asked with a small smile. "Tea? It's all dried up." I laughed. Natti sucked her teeth. "Everyone knows you and Benito belong together. That's the tea, estupida." She laughed. I awkwardly laughed it off but I really didn't want to talk about him. I already battle my thoughts as it is. There were some guys playing cards at one table, some smoking cigars outside and I watched as a bunch of Benito's crew filed over to play dominoes.

Something was off and I knew once my heart started to race. Benito's favorite game was dominoes. Annuel was here. J. Balvin. Noriel, Miguel, Matéo, every last one of his friends. I turned back around quickly so they wouldn't recognize me but based on Natti's expression, they were coming my way. "Raquelita?! Benny you found her?!" Annuel called, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. Benny looked up from his cards, huffing on his cigar. "Wait, that's conejo's girl? Oh shit." He said, looking just as puzzled.

"Yoooo, fuck all of you for doubting fate." José (J.) laughed, taking his sunglasses off. I sighed but hugged them. They were still my friends but it was awkward. "Does that mean he's coming?" Paloma asked, looking worried for me. "Uhhh, sí mamí." Miguel said from the background. "Oh this shit just got real." Justice said not too far away. I swear my heart fell through my vagina. "I need a drink." I said, walking to the kitchen. I made myself a white Russian while the girls and Justice came by.

I heard the door open again and everyone greet Benito as he walked through with his carrier. "Alright if anybody wants to smoke, do it the fuck outside." I heard Benny say to everyone once he saw the baby. I turned my head quickly once I saw him. They tried to talk with me to keep me grounded but all I heard was Benito's voice and him finally ask, "She's here?". I gripped my glass tightly, wanting to jump in it as he made his way quickly to me. Justice and everyone started to back off and give us some time.

"Raquel?" He called while I was turned. I turned around slowly to face him. "Hi, Benito." I said quietly. He looked so beautiful as always but more tired than most days. Push me up against the wall, why don't you? "We should talk." He said immediately. I opened my mouth to say something but I ended up saying something else. "I should go." I said, setting my glass down. "No se vayas, Raquel." He said, clearing his throat once his voice broke. I looked up at him, falling in love with his tired eyes over and over again. I grabbed my glass and walked towards the sitting hammock outside as he followed.

I sat down with him sitting across. It was silent between us but it was right for me to speak first. "I'm sorry, Benito." I said softly. He wiped his cheek once a tear had already been falling down. "Yeah." He said, letting out a breath so he wouldn't cry. "I didn't mean to le-" I started to say but he cut me off. "I can't be soft with you right now. I would say I hate you but I've been in love with you since I saw you standing near the ocean. But you left. And...and I know what you were feeling. I'll tell you again and again. I know you. You felt like it was your fault that I stood in front of a bullet but that was my choice. Not yours." He explained.

"Benito.." I said. "No, escúchame. The way that you feel is true to you but I always remind you that not everything that happens to me is some curse against you or some shit." He said. "Benito, you lost a ton of money over me and then you almost died for me. You don't think that has any coorelation? You went to jail for MY ex. You paid money off to protect ME. You were still getting shit from everyone for ME. I went outside with you and you pushed me to save ME." I explained. "Because I fucking love you Raquel. We're still having the same problem stupid ass problem. You fucking refuse to be loved by me." He stood up and paced to calm himself.

I stood up and pulled him back to look at me. "Don't you see all of these things? It's literally the world telling us we're not suppose to be together!" I said, not even believing myself. "Maybe YOU are the one telling us we're not supposed to be together!" He said with emphasis. The baby started to cry and he looked passed me, pausing for a second to say something else. "So what the fuck, Raquel? What was it all for?" He shrugged and pushed passed me to get his son.

I turned to watch him pick him up, grabbing his bag and going upstairs. I sat isolated to collect my thoughts for awhile and the baby was still crying. Benito had great friends because they didn't complain about it at all. I worked up the nerve to walk upstairs to find him. I walked into the room, closing the door behind me. Benito rocked him as best he could but he wouldn't calm. "Can I hold him?" I asked. His eyes lit up and he nodded, carefully giving him to me. "Do you have a swaddle blanket?" I asked. He looked a little confused but he reached into his bag and got it out.

"I forgot how to do it." He said. "That's okay." I said and laid him down onto the blanket. I walked him through the process and successfully wrapped him up. "See? Baby burrito. It's important that he feels safe like being in the womb." I said and rocked him slowly. He almost immediately fell asleep. "That was the first time that he's ever fallen asleep so fast." He sighed. I looked at him, admiring how soft and innocent he looked. "He looks like you." I smiled. He chuckled lightly. "His name is Lucero." He said.

I grinned, looking up at him. "It's perfect for him." I said, sitting down in the sofa chair. Benito sat on the floor, letting his head lie on my lap. "You haven't slept, have you?" I asked him. "At all." He said. I positioned Lucero onto my chest and stroked Benito's head slowly.

You really are the light, Lucero.