Something greater than loss

Impatient

Late February - 38 weeks

I couldn't possibly feel worse at the moment, not only are my hips constantly in pain but now there's this pressure that's making everything ten times worse. To add to the absolute awfulness of my condition Erica had the brilliant idea of performing another physical exam. Great... I hate being in this position, I can't imagine that women would like it, that's impossible.

"Well someone's in a hurry."

Erica's words brought me out of my thoughts.

"What do you mean?"

"The baby is lower than I would expect at this point, especially since this is your first pregnancy, it also explains why you're in so much pain."

A spark of concerned set off in my head.

"Is that good or bad?"

"Your one centimeter dilated, your cervix is soft..."

She kept mumbling something to herself before answering my question.

"It's neither really, but for you... Since you already have PGP you could suffer a pelvic fracture while your giving birth. If anything points to it during labor I will schedule a c-section. Furthermore, your placenta could tear again, I'm not taking any chances."

"I don't want a c-section."

My heartbeat rose at the idea.

"I didn't say you will, it's just a plan B. Mucus plug is in chunks..."

She went back to mumbling thing to herself, I feel like this examination is lasting longer than it should.

"Did you have any sort of discharge?"

God back with the embarrassing questions.

"Yeah..."

"You're losing your mucus plug, this baby is ready to make his grand debut, he could come any day now, it's just a matter of when."

***

I can't keep Erica's words out of my head, 'he can come any day now, it's just a matter of when.' It's driving me crazy, I don't want him to come yet, I'm not ready. Darlene already packed my hospital bag too, it's like everyone is ready for him to come just not me. I haven't slept in days I'm so anxious. He doesn't move much anymore, I spend my time with my palms spread out on my stomach trying to feel him, he's scaring me... Every cramp I get tricks me into thinking it might be it.

"Elliot stop thinking, you're driving me crazy."

Mr. Robot showed up next to me.

"What?"

"Your thoughts are really loud, tone it down a bit."

...

"Why are you so anxious anyway huh?"

He was about to pull out a cigarette but then looked at me and put the pack back in his pocket.

"I'm not ready."

He scoffed.

"Do you really think some people are actually ready to have a kid? No, and everyone who says so is a blatant liar. They like to think they've got everything under control but it's all a facade, when you have a kid some things you just can't predict. Neither can you be sure that you're ready too actually be a parent."

What is he going on about right now? It's completely the opposite that I'm worried about.

"That's not what-"

"You didn't let me finish, You - are on the other end of the spectrum. You're the person that's persuaded that they can't do the job. Since when is that you, kiddo? Just like you can't be sure you'll be a good parent neither can you be sure that you won't."

He moved to crouch next to me and put one of his hands on my shoulder.

"I know you, kiddo. I know you'll do just fine Elliot. You have nothing to worry about we've been through this already, I told you; You'll do your best and that's all that matters."

I looked to the ground mulling his words over, I will say that they do ease my mind a bit, it'd make sense that everyone is just faking it, some are just better at it than others. Flipper happily padded over to me jumped up on my mattress and nuzzled up to my stomach, I guess I don't have to worry If she'll like the kid.

"Just because you're not ready doesn't mean you won't do good. The empathy with which you grant that stupid dog shows you can give a shit about another being, as much as you may not feel much for this kid now, you will once you've held him in your arms."

Just as I looked Mr. Robots way, he was gone.

***

I was on my mattress on my knees and elbows, my backside up in the air and my head upside down curled close to my chest, never really thought I'd wind up in this position but it's the only one that takes some of the pain away. I feel like shit right now, I'm nauseous, in pain and the pressure in my pelvis is getting unbearable, reminds me of what Erica said, he's lower than expected.

"Why are you so eager to come out?!"

My voice was muffled by the bed sheets. Flipper just sits next to me wondering what the hell I'm doing, she spent a lot of time close to me these past few days. Can she tell he'll be here soon too? I've still got over a week to go and even the dog thinks that's not happening. God, I still have to endure this pain for almost two weeks?! This kid better be worth it.

"Elliot, what exactly are you doing?"

I heard Darlene's humor-laced voice hovering over me, she wasn't in the apartment a second ago, fuck I probably didn't hear her come in, shit. As quickly as was possible in my state I sat back up, my face flushed red with embarrassment. She looked at me waiting for an answer.

"...It's the only position I found that lifts the pain..."

My voice was full of shame, Darlene giggled at my awkwardness.

"What about the support band?"

"It doesn't work anymore, it still hurts even if I put it on."

She threw her backpack to the floor and walked behind me, she sat down on the mattress.

"I wanna try something okay?"

She began lifting the back of my shirt so I took it off.

"What are you doing?"

"You'll see."

She reached for a bottle of lotion that was lying on my dresser. After a few seconds, she began rubbing my back. I jumped at first not expecting the cold touch but the more she did it the more I leaned into it. She rubbed my lower back relieving the pain, loosening the knots in my tired muscles, I hummed at the pleasurable activity.

"Hey, don't get too into it, you're making it weird."

"Sorry, it's just, feels really good."

I leaned forward a bit, feeling my muscles relax even more.

"Just so you know this is a one-time thing so don't get used to it, I'm only doing it because you're miserable."

"You don't even know how nice this feels."

Flipper propped her chin on my knee and whined.

"Is it me or is she stuck to you like glue lately?"

"Yeah... Oh no, don't stop."

This time I whined. As soon as Darlene took her hands off my back the dull ache settled right back in.

"Sorry, that's all you're getting, now try and get some sleep and don't come up with any more, crazy twisted yoga positions, it's weird."