Something greater than loss

How You Doin'?

November - 22 weeks 

Today is the day of my appointment, I have no idea what to expect. Darlene tells me not to worry but that's pretty much all she says nowadays. I put my hoodie on and we went in the direction of the subway. As luck would have it all the seats are taken so we have to stand.

"I wish I looked like a woman right now, so someone would give me their seat."

I stood next to a pole trying to keep my balance, my eyes shut. My hips have been hurting me all morning and it only seems to get worse.

"Are you okay? You seem in pain."

"It's 'cause I am." I mumbled.

"I Wish I could sit down. It feels like my hips are slowly being pushed apart."

"That doesn't sound good."

The train stopped, only one person stood up, leaving the car. Darlene jumped at the free seat beating some college kid to it. She waved me over and let me sit down.

"Thanks."

*** 

At the hospital we had to wait in the waiting room, there where these teenage girls waiting under a different room but they kept looking my way whispering. At one point their whispers got louder.

"How far along do you think she is?"

"That guy looks like he's the one pregnant."

They burst out laughing. They way my hoodie hugs my stomach makes it kind of obvious, I hunched forward, maybe that will hide things a bit. I've been listening to them since we got here that's not their first remark but this time Darlene noticed. She put her hand on my thigh.

"Don't listen to them, they're just stupid little girls."

I felt the kid move, it moves more when I feel a strong emotion. Needless to say, I'm very nervous right now.

"I knew I shouldn't have come here."

"Stop it, I know it doesn't change anything but to them everything is funny. Everyone else is just minding their own business."

We waited for a while since we were the last name on the list but it was finally our turn. We walked into the room and were greeted by the doc, she offered us a seat.

"Alright, I guess the first thing to know here is how come this is happening. Are you transgender or..."

"No... I'm a hermaphrodite."

I was looking at her desk, it's hard to make eye contact talking about this.

"Interesting, that's pretty rare for a hermaphrodite to have two sets of functioning reproductive organs, much less carry a pregnancy this far along with no medical assistance. I don't know whether to congratulate you or feel bad for you."

What's that supposed to mean?

"I'm gonna need some information so I'll ask you a few questions. How tall are you?"

"Five feet, eight inches."

"Do you smoke?"

"I quit a little over three months ago."

"Use any drugs?"

"Not in the last four months."

Usually, I wouldn't admit this but this isn't about me. I have to be honest.

"It says in your hospital records that you suffer from depression, anxiety, and mania. Do you take any prescribed medications?"

I didn't answer that.