22 Caliber - A Stephanie Plum-inspired Story

Chapter Three

Ranger and I walked outside.

"How do you want to handle this?" I asked.

"I have some time now. Why don't we talk to Joyce and the owner of the dog?" Ranger opened the door to his Porsche for me. I got in reluctantly. Reluctantly not because I didn't want to spend time with Ranger – spending time with him was often peaceful and encouraged me to get in touch with my Zen. And I loved his car. It was a sexy alternative to the rusted out Civic I drove. Riding in it made me feel like James Bond. It's just I didn't like Joyce. Joyce Barnhardt had been the figurative boil on my backside since I was four years old. At four she dumped red paint all over my brand-new dress on school picture day; at eleven she told everyone I picked my nose and ate the boogers; in my twenties I found her with my new husband on my new dining room table in an affair that lived on in Burg history. More recently, she had decided she was a bounty hunter and ran around in black leather, gun pulled, yelling "freeze" in a ridiculous and ineffective attempt to copy bounty hunters on "reality" shows on TV. And she did all this while stealing my skips from Vinnie. The animosity between the two of us was well-known and legendary. I gave a large sigh. Ranger's face showed he was thinking about smiling. "Cheer up", he said, "I'll be there to protect you."

When we arrived at Joyce's neighborhood Ranger parked a couple of houses down the street. He sat for a minute and took the pulse of the neighborhood. It was quiet. No children playing, no sprinklers running, no dogs barking. No sign of life at all.

We walked up to Joyce's house. A tidy Cape Cod with a red door and white trim. The door and walkway were flanked with flowers growing with a profusion that screamed of weekly gardener visits. The front door had a gorgeous three-quarter etched and beveled glass insert. The house was decorated for Hallowe'en. Gravestones, spider webs and skeletons were placed on the porch. I thought this a fitting tribute to the witch who lived within.

Ranger rang the bell. Out of habit we both moved to the side of the door, out of the way of potential shotgun blasts. Have I learned something as a bounty hunter or what?

Joyce opened the door. Her black yoga top and matching pants showed off her D-cup implants to perfection. Her red hair was teased, her make-up subdued, her false eyelashes prominent in an otherwise pale face. "You!" she exclaimed. "I should have known it was you!" and she grabbed my t-shirt and started to choke me. Ranger stepped in between us and squeezed Joyce's wrists until she let me go. "Now", he said, "what the hell are you talking about?"

"Honey," Joyce said as she turned on her man-eating charm, "Stephanie here is vicious. She's blackmailing me. She didn't tell you that, did she? And now she's got you conned into being her muscle to collect the money. Although I have to say she's got great taste in muscle. If you ever want to be treated right, just let me know."

"Skank", I muttered under my breath.

"Babe", Ranger warned before asking, "what do you mean by blackmailed?"

"Ask Stephanie", Joyce replied. "I got a request for money today in exchange for a video. I have less than a week to come up with the money."

"Let me guess – this video involves you, Vinnie and a dog?" I questioned.

"See, I knew she was in on it. Shoot her; arrest her; do something! I can't have that video floating around."

"Why not?" I asked.

"If you must know, I am just about to announce my engagement to my fourth husband. He's as rich as Croesus and has no ex-wives to support. If he sees that video it will be the end of the relationship. You have to help me", she said to Ranger.

"Stephanie isn't behind it. She found out about the blackmailing scheme the same time I did – about an hour ago in Vinnie's office. How much are you being blackmailed for?"

"One hundred thousand dollars."

"Besides Stephanie, do you have any idea who could be doing this to you?"

"No, everybody loves me" Joyce replied. I started to choke. Nobody liked Joyce. She came near you and you smelled sulfur burning. She was the epitome of the Wicked Witch of the West. She was evil personified. Joyce gave a little smile. "Well, maybe not everyone", she said.

Ranger got the necessary information to allow us to trace Joyce's emails and, as we turned to do, Joyce said, "let me know if there is any way I can repay you, Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome!" Joyce reached over and stroked Ranger's cheek. I grimaced and did a full body shiver. Ranger just smiled and moved away. Mr. Cool in the face of danger.

We both walked away from the house, quiet with our thoughts. When we got in the car I turned to Ranger and handed him some hand sanitizer to wipe down his cheek. Ranger smiled. "You know, this may be the only time when I've been glad you refuse to carry a gun. For a minute there I thought you were going to grab my gun and demand she get her hands off me, Babe."

I smiled. I might have if I had thought of it.