Fifteen (Troyler)

Chapter 6 (Mini Chapter)

Troye's POV

"Okay." Tyler muttered, the corners of his mouth turning down as if the word stung to speak.

I frowned. I hadn't meant to hurt Tyler's feelings, I was just trying to let him know that not was not a conversation I was willing to delve deeper into. He had obviously caught on.

Great going Troye, you really messed up now didn't you? Just push away someone you should be keeping close.

I was about to call out his name, to apologize, maybe try to convince him to cuddle me again, but before I could even attempt to speak again, Tyler had already shut the door behind himself. I sighed, slumping back against the pillows.

I wanted to tell Tyler, I genuinely did. I wanted to recount for him all my tales of medicines and the way my knee had swelled up to the size of a grapefruit and how I could feel my strength sapping gradually from my body with every passing hour of every passing day. But I couldn't- now was not the time. Especially not at the beginning of my trip, that would change everything, knowing Tyler. He was an amazing host, but sometimes that wasn't as great as it should have been, and I knew that if I told him he'd always be forcing me to rest and fussing over me, making sure I drank as much water and more than I needed daily and constantly checking to ensure that I had taken all the medicine necessary for me. He was a smother when he was worried, and while I was grateful, I didn't want to put that extra pressure on him. He had 5 million subscribers, he was super busy all the time creating good content for his people, and he had meetings and interviews and award shows all over the place. He didn't need to have the added stress of a tumor infected best friend, that's for sure.

Not to mention, I wouldn't be able to stand the pity. Because if I told Tyler, I know he'd make sure I told everyone else, and I'd once again be the underdog. I'd be the baby of the group, the youngest, the one who couldn't keep up with the others. I'd be restricted from doing things that I could do if it weren't for this damn tumor. Of course, my friends wouldn't be doing it on purpose- they never did.

They never tried to make me feel like a kid, it just happened. And they probably didn't notice the way that any time anyone turned to make a joke about my age that I would have found funny had it not been about me, I shrunk into myself and hid my face. Or the way that when we all sat at a restaurant together in America and they were all being served red wine and fruity drinks, I'd sit isolatedly at the edge of the table with a simple water. It's just the way things were.

Now, knowing that I'd never reach my 21st birthday, that I'll never grow past my teenage years, that I'll never settle down with a man and have children like I've dreamed of ever since I realized I was gay, it makes my age sting all the more. I'm eternally young, I have barely a chance to do anything with my life, but I at least have enough determination to attempt to do something with it, no matter how small that something may be.

Maybe that something will be telling my best friend about the feelings I've had for him for the past few years.

Maybe that something will be raising lots of money for charity, or devoting myself to doing good every day.

Maybe, I'll do something worthy of recognition, but I don't require or long for that. I just want to exist, and blend into the background, which is sometimes harder than it should be.

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Hi! How are you guys?

First off, I should say, 800 READS. WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM (also I hit 3k on the Plan which is mindblowing considering how bad it mostly is).

This chapter is (sneakily because I am once again on my tablet and need to find my computer tomorrow) dedicated to nikkimirai, because her comments literally SLAY ME. She's everywhere, on every fanfic that I read, she's always in the comments section, making peoples days with her comments because she is the sweetest thing. She's commented on like five of my poems and my one shot from yesterday and every time she's made my day. It's honestly gotten to the point where when I post something I wonder what she's going to comment because it's that inevitable. Seriously, probably one of the nicest girls on here.

Sorry for the mini chapter, I've had a bit of a crap day and we had all sorts of testing going on today and my friends were in pissy moods and they kind of took it out on me and then, of course, I get on the bus to go home and my phone was blowing up with amazing comments and votes and PMs with you guys which immediately just cheered me right back up, the way y'all always do. What would I do without this? Probably drown in my own misery, I have no idea what I'd be doing if I didn't discover the freedom I find in writing.

Anyways, thank y'all, go read my poetry collection if you haven't already, and I'll see you next week for another Elle Rambling Special. (Doesn't work as well as Joe's does)

-Elle xx