Lovely Struggles

What A Mood

Started writing: 1/4-2019
Published: 11/4-2019

"Eat for god's sake" Jasper told me and raised the plastic fork up to my chin. "Jas, I'm not hungry" I said to him and tried to avoid the fork that was filled with risotto. "You haven't brought any lunch to school and everytime I see you you're chewing on a piece of gum" he said and filled the fork with another round of risotto. "Gum is enough" I said and focused on the failing tries when he tried to pick up more risotto. Jasper gave me a glance and I gave him a stone face. "And the nickname Jas sounds like a girl name" he said and stopped trying to pick up more risotto and instead put both arms beside him, steady on the floor.

"Have you tried giving yourself a nickname?" I asked and went up and touched the side of his bed. "No no" he said and shaked both of his hands in the air. He pointed at me. "That's your job". I sat down on his bed and grabbed his xbox controller. He laid down on the bed and took a deep breathe. "Life's hard" he said and laid his hands on his chest. "You don't say" I said and got up to grab the doorhandle. He didn't say anything. "Life's really hard when you're gay" I said and opened the door to go run down the stairs. "Hey! Get me some Capri-Sun" he shouted and just flopped on the bed.

I grabbed the handle of the refrigerator and pulled it. "Hey there" Jasper's dad said. Jasper's dad's name was Travis, if you looked at the pictures he had took when he was younger you couldn't see a difference. "Hey, don't worry about me I'm just grabbing some snacks" I said when I closed the refrigerator to go upstairs. Travis was in a corner of the kitchen, crossing his arms. "Your dad called" he said like an order but calmer. I stopped. "Why didn't you tell him you were here?" he continued. "Because he's not my dad" I said holding a bag of chips and two Capri-Suns. I continued walking without looking at him.

I opened the door with a slight noise. "Give me it" Jas said and stood up. He wasn't laying on the bed anymore, he was sitting on the floor beside the TV on a blanket. I handed Jas the two Capri-Suns because I thought they were going to explode. I sat down beside Jas on the pastel yellow blanket and opened the bag.

"What was that about?" he asked while he tried to grab a chip.

"What was what?" I asked back and stuffed my mouth with one chip. Jas gave me a glare.

"Come on, I know what you're doing" he said poking a hole with his straw in his Capri-Sun.

I faced the TV. "He doesn't care" I said. "My dad or your dad?" He asked and took a sip.

"Both" I said and clenched my jaw. There was a silence between us, he probably wasn't even surprised. I just was that dramatic.

"Can we watch a movie?" I asked Jas and fidgeted with my hands and fingers. "Sure" he said and picked up the controller and pressed the 'on' button.

The TV blasted with sound as soon as it turned on. "Fuck-shit" Jas said and aggressively pressed the 'lower volume' button. I giggled. He smiled and looked down.

-

"You do know that you can buy from the store?" my friend, who's name was Freya, said. I picked out a chair and sat on it, grabbing my waterbottle filled with soda - that was stolen from Jasper's house - and my ham sandwich when finally opening up my backbag. "You know you can shut up?" I answered back. "Oh. That's a mood" Freya said and drank her water she had. "What's with that 'mood' thing?" I asked and put my arms on the table in front of me. "Well, a emotion is being angry, sad, happy or even surprised. But a mood is when some of them are like mixed? I don't know really" Freya explained. "Mood" I said and tried to wrap up my sandwich that was covered in plastic. Freya smiled when I started eating. "You fit in" Freya said and laughed.

Freya had been my friend since 4th grade, when she moved here she didn't really have anyone. Her mom and her moved here because of the death of their man in their life - her mom's husband and Freya's dad. They didn't wanna get reminded of the memories in their old town.

"Can I sit here?" a guy came beside Freya with a smile and said. "With a smile like that, whenever you want" Freya said and looked up at the tall guy with the smile bright. He sat down beside Freya at our round table. He reached out his hand to Freya. "Max Welton" he said. Freya shaked his hand and smiled. "Freya Messen" she said and they looked eachother in the eyes. "Okey, but are you all done or something?" I asked them and grabbed the plastic that was left from the sandwich. They both laughed, but Freya laughed more. "Rachel, this is Max" Freya told me. I crossed my arms. "Yeah, I kind of know. Rachel St. Traves" I said. "Saint? Must be famous" Max said and I chuckled. "Mom is, I'm just a piece of failure" I said as a joke, but apparently they thought it was personal so there was a pause of quietness. "Well I'm not even hungry" Freya said and got up from the chair. "I'm going to check if I remembered my homework" Max said and also got up from the chair and left. I got up and waved to Freya, then went to my way to my locker.

-

I pulled out my key from the door and went into my house without any regret, my stepdad might hate me but he doesn't hate me as much as I do. I was surprised when I didn't hear my stepdad while taking off my shoes, instead I heard my mom's voice in the kitchen right behind me.

"I don't know, I really don't know" mom said, she was probably talking in the phone because I assume she was not in the mood to talk to my stepdad.

"I don't wanna make Rachel sad, she's already lost so many and if she loses one more she might break down" mom said. "And I don't think I can handle another one of my daughters gone" she continued. I stood in the hall - quiet as hell - trying to eavesdrop on my mom, but I sneezed.

"Honey, are you home?" mom asked and stepped into the hallway.

"Yeah, just got home" I said and pretended that I was trying to take off my shoes. "How are you?" I asked because, support ya know?

"Not that bad, I thought I was going to be all sad today" she said and laughed a little in between. I had gotten the dark humor from my mom, my dad's just leftover pizza - there's no effect on me.

"Well, I'm going up to my room" I said because I knew mom was gonna talk to me about what had happened a few days ago. "Can we talk?" mom asked in the last second. I sat down at the table because if I left mom would feel so.. sad. "You don't have to apologize for what ever he did, mom" I said. "He's a coward who doesn't give you enough love". Mom sat down in front of me, but with a table between us. "He didn't do anything" mom said. "Yes, he did mom. He made you leave your own house! You need to realize that mom, you deserve better" I said to make my mom feel better.

"I did something" mom said but then quickly shaked her head. "We'll talk about it later" she said and held her eyes closed. She opened here eyes. "Take a shower, there's school tomorrow". I got down from the chair. "Whatever you did, I will support you" I smiled and went up to my room. I could hear mom sigh as I went lightly up the stairs. I knew she had done something, but whatever she had done, I did something worse.

-

(I don't really know who's in the picture but, just so you all know - it's Jasper.)