I Hate Everything About You || Jensoo

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Jisoo plays with Jennie's fingers while snuggling with her wife. She's been sitting across the brunette's lap for some time now and she has no intentions of getting up. Jisoo was able to block out how much she loved being close to Jennie before. It was easy when she was pretending to hate her, but now she can't tear herself away from the brunette. She can tell that her wife feels the exact same way. From the gentle kisses to the light caresses, to the soft sighs. All those things make Jisoo believe that there's hope for her future with Jennie. Even if there are still issues that need to be tackled.

"Why didn't you let me know how you were feeling?" Jennie asks carefully. That question is one that she can't get out of her head. It pains her to think that Jisoo thought and maybe still thinks so badly about herself. And she wonders if she did anything to fuel those feelings. It doesn't matter what the raven haired told her, Jennie feels guilty, like she played a part in her wife's low self esteem. "You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable," she assures the raven haired. The last thing Jennie wants to do is push too hard. She knows she made the mistake of not pushing enough before, but things are so fragile she doesn't want their new found peace to shatter in any way.

"I wanted to tell you," Jisoo whispers as she keeps her eyes connected with Jennie. It's hard for her not to look away but she knows this moment as well as this conversation is too important. "At first I thought it was a just a hormonal thing." Jennie nods along while her hand moves up and down the raven haired's thigh. "Then I realized it went deeper than that." Unable to handle the wounded expression on the brunette's face, Jisoo leans in so she's cheek to cheek with Jennie. "I was embarrassed and uh…I." Her voice is shaking but she doesn't want to stop. "I felt stupid."

"I'm so sorry you felt that way," Jennie replies as she squeezes her arms around the raven haired. "I wish I would have known." She thinks back to the many times she was rebuffed by Jisoo. To the times when her wife would pull away, how they'd argue over nothing because they weren't really talking about what was bothering them. She recalls how Jisoo would hide her body whenever she had the chance and how that never used to happen. It dawns on the brunette that she could have noticed what was going on if she'd stepped outside herself for just a second. Jennie berates herself for being so blind, so self-involved and in her mind, so selfish.

"It wasn't your fault, Jen," Jisoo says as she watches the conflict rage in the brunette's eyes. She had pulled back when her wife went silent. "I should have said something."

Jennie shakes her head. "I should have clued in a long time ago to what was going on." Jisoo attempts to talk over the brunette but she can't. "I should have pushed you when you wouldn't open up to me." Everything seems so much clearer to Jennie than it was before. "I should have been a better wife." The last part is said quietly and the pain in the brunette's voice is quite evident.

"I don't want this to be about blame," Jisoo declares firmly. "We both made mistakes, but I think our time would be better spent focusing on why it happened instead of who's responsible." She doesn't want any progression they might make to be erased if the blame game is played.

"I thought you didn't want me anymore, that you didn't love me," Jennie admits even though it's hard to say. "Not when we broke up. I'm talking about what happened before then."

It hurts Jisoo to hear that coming from Jennie, but she tries not to let her pain distract her. "Why on earth would you think that? Because I didn't want to have sex?"

"No, because you stopped touching me," Jennie clarifies. Her throat is closing up as the months, and years of estrangement from the raven haired catch up to her. "We always used to touch, it wasn't about the sex." That was partly true. The sex issue happened later when Jennie pushed the issue because she was desperate to get the intimacy back in their marriage. "It felt like any time I tried to get close to you, you found a reason not to." The brunette isn't trying to lay their problems at Jisoo's feet; all she's trying to do is be honest. "I knew you were tired and not feeling like yourself, so I didn't expect you to jump back in bed with me." Her eyes implore the raven haired to believe her. "I thought there had to be reason, something I did for you to act differently around me."