Waiting on the Sidelines

25. My New Normal

The entire town seemed to be operating under an umbrella. Sure, there was still one more game to play. But it didn't matter. Not really. We were knocked out of the state tournament. And this was our last Johnson, so the odds of Coolidge making the spotlight again in the near future were slim.

I ran into Buck at the grocery store the morning after the big loss, and, positive as ever, he was hopeful. He told me Reed was set to get his cast off, and he was anxious to give the scouts one more look at his arm before signing season began. He still had a few tricks up his sleeve, and I felt a little better knowing Reed had his father in his corner.

I thought perhaps just getting to play once would lift Reed's spirits. But his unhappiness ran much deeper. When he was up, things still seemed possible; when he was down, though...well, I guess that wasn't really my problem anymore. Except I knew that wasn't true either. I'd never stop worrying about Reed. I was pretty sure I'd move on to college and spend my four years following him in newspaper clippings and daydreaming about how he was, hoping he was ok and hoping he was learning to be happy again.

I spent the entire Saturday holed up in my room, cleaning out my closet and listening to music. I pulled out a few of my favorite classic books, trying to get myself lost in the high-brow torture of the Bronte sisters, but I never made it further than a few pages. I wasn't going to homecoming. Not alone. And I knew Reed wasn't coming to get me. A small part of me was hoping he would ride in like a knight and shining armor and beg me to go with him, but when the clock ticked to 7, then 8 and finally 9, I quit that fantasy, too.

My mom was a little surprised that I wasn't getting ready for homecoming, and I eluded that Reed and I had a bit of a fight. She tried to pry a little, but I told her I wasn't ready to be upset about it yet, and she let it go. I knew she was worried, though, because she made excuses to check on me every hour or so throughout the night.

No matter how big of a jackass Reed was being, I still wanted my parents to love him. Such a dichotomy from how his mother felt about me. She didn't even acknowledge me when I was around. Again, though, not my problem anymore...except it ate away at me every moment I was awake.

Sarah texted me from the homecoming dance, wanting to check on me. She was also telling me what I really wanted to know, needed to know—that Reed wasn't at the dance either.

Weekends were easy, it was when I was at school, in the same room, building, campus as Reed, that things were hard. I was waiting for it to get easier, waiting for something to happen. Waiting to forget the last words Reed had spoken to me. I wanted confrontation, but I suppose that had come and gone. All I had now was, well, the now.

I couldn't help myself, but I stole glances at Reed when he walked through the halls, looking for hints at his mood, all the while waiting for him to snap out of this spell he was under and remember he loved me, to pursue me, to chase me and claim me again. That never happened, though.

Most of the time he was quiet, just floating from one class to the next, sitting and watching the lessons, not really participating. I had worried that his grades were slipping, but Sean told me he was still managing to ace everything and that he still had UofA and Stanford pursuing him. At least something was going right.

Reed's birthday had come and gone. There was no party this year, though Sean told me that Buck had tried to talk Reed into the annual barbecue. The UofA and Stanford hats I had bought him still lived on the top shelf in my closet, tucked away in a bag, waiting to be shaken out and delivered. But that wasn't going to happen.

I noticed that his Jeep was showing up in the parking lot at school again, and I was glad to see it fixed and in working order. It was a part of him, and it was the way I liked to remember him. His dad had put special plates on the back, UofA ones. I mused at his not-so-subtle act, also wondering if that was any indication of Reed's decision of where he would sign for next season.