Boring, anti-social, fat, unmotivated, depressing, disappointing, a let down, ugly, lazy, no future, and so on.
Trying to think that you're not any of these, when the sad truth is, that you are.
You see you're self in the mirror and find nothing good about you. Literally nothing. Face is too round, lips are too thin, cheeks are too fat, nose is too small, eyes are too big. Black, soulless, uncaring, eyes.
After a long time of just staring at yourself, you just accept it.
"I'm ugly."
Plain and simple.
"I'm ugly."
You accept no one will ever want you, you will never get better, so there's no point in trying.
"I don't care."
The brain just switched to that mode when this happened. And it's hard to explain it, but its like giving up. But not giving up.....
Walking around in the ugly skin and just not caring. Still doing work and talking to "friends" in the ugly skin, but still not caring. No matter what doing what you're suppose to do and getting it done in the ugly skin and 100% not caring.
It's like the mind is black, but it's not. You see your mind process the thoughts of 'Their not looking at me, it's not me their talking about, I'm not noticing her staring at me, I'm going to pretentious not to notice those guys laughing.'
Because every time I hear someone laugh, I think it's at me.
The mind set that I'm something to laugh at or a laughable person is the automatic trigger reaction. It's not the 'what are they laughing about?' or 'what's going on?' With their backs towards me, laughing, 'its me alright.'
No question about it.
We think too much for our own good. Deep can't even describe what's in the mind. We drag ourselves to a different work were no one understands what's going on but us. Observing is less of a job and more of a lifestyle. Noticing things that aren't commonly noticed makes us sensitive to everything.
It's not a good thing.
Defiantly not a good thing......
We're people just like everyone else. There's nothing wrong with us. We're just shy,
Extremely shy............
