It was summer, i was 14 and my mom and dad pointed out that they thought i was depressed. I think the sleepless nights, the change in attitude and weight-loss gave it away. Nah.
My mom made an arrangement for me to see a counsellor, Susan Geller.
"So Billie, how have you been holding up? are you still taking your medication?" she asked with her head down and pen connected to the piece of paper on her lap.
I sat in pure silence, looking at the ceiling. "Billie don't be rude and answer Susan, she's just trying to help you" My dad said with a stern approach.
"I've told you countless times, regardless if you think this is going to help me or not, you do not know what i'm going through and you certainly do not know what's going to make me better" I sat on the edge of the chair, slapping my hand against my bare thigh, raising my voice a tad.
"Maybe we should up the dose of her medication" Susan said while clicking down her pen and smiling at me. Stupid. Bitch. What does she know?
The car journey home was restless, my tics were getting the best of me and my palpitations causing shortness of breath.
I couldn't hack it, the feeling of being so unlike others around me. I was different. I wasn't like other teenagers my age, my fashion sense, looks and mental health were at least the same age as an 18-19 year old.
••••
'I've been watching you, for some time, can't stop staring, at those ocean eyes' i sang from my notebook as i sat on the couch. I write songs that's express my feelings towards current situations. My councillor suggested it, well my last one anyway.
The backing track my brother created was playing though my earphones. I loved this song, it was so passionate.
It got to my favourite part and my heart began to flutter. 'no fair, you really know how to make me cry when you give me those ocean eyes, i'm scared, i've never fallen from quite this high, falling into your ocean eyes, those oc-' it was coming to an end as my mom decided to yank my earphones out of my ears.
"Billie, i've been calling you, you were meant to run to get the groceries from Walmart? like dad said too" she said while crossing her arms.
"You and dad both drive, why can't you go collect them yourselves?" i began packing up my notebook and pens, sliding my phone into my back pocket. Can never get a moments peace.
"Well, Susan said doing tasks like this would improve your mental health, over coming situations that you might feel scared in. Listen; we're only doing this to help you babygirl, trust us" She placed her hand on my covered shoulder and sighed. "Please Billie, help yourself for once, it will all be worth it in the end"
No matter what she said or did, it would never make me feel less insecure and lonely. Wether i'm surrounded by 1 person or 100's of people, i will always feel lonely and probably socially awkward if that amount of people were around me. Never.
