I thought it would end

I was cerial this time

I though you could do better. Why couldn't you do better? You had control!

I though you listened to your body. I thought you knew what to do. So why slip up? Why did you have slip up?

I don't know. I don't know. Why did I do it? I had control. I had the ability to listen to my body and yet I had the desire to force food in me. Why?

Will I change will I ever change. Is it worth trying to change myself tomorrow if in a few days time I'll just be like how I was today? What if I slip up again?

What happens when one slips up. Are you exploded if you slip up. Who sees you if you slip up. Who else is screaming at you other than yourself? Who cares?

I thought it would end, but you are still with me in a way. Part of you at least. You make me feel gross. You make my mind turn blank and let it go wherever it wants to. You make me feel like I have no control. When you come back it's the worst part of my life. But guess what I have grown.

I'm not like who I was before. I am stronger. I won't let you beat me up, I'll punch harder when you punch me. I am beautiful. But in the end, it isn't you who hurts me. In the end it's all me.

I thought I could change. I thought it would end. I am the cause of my own mess. But messes can be cleaned up. I'll find ways to clean up my messes. I'll write, I'll watch anime and I'll be gentle with myself. I'll try to love myself even when it can be hard. These messes don't define me. What I do after the mess does.