𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 || s. evans

NINE

"All right people, we are back! Big props to Sam, Blaine, and Izzy for all their hard work to make this happen," Finn said as the three of them took in the cheers and applause. "But there's no time to celebrate. We just lost the weeks of prep time for regionals and we still have to raise 400 dollars to pay for the bus to get to the competition at Indianapolis. I propose a bake sale. I mean, it worked last time," Finn said, trying to get us to agree with him.

"Yeah, that's because Puck spiked the cupcakes with Mary Jane," Izzy said.

"I can sell some of my hair for extra cash," Joe spoke up.

"I can sell more of my semen," Sam said and Izzy cringed.

"No," Izzy shook her head and rubbed his arm.

"This is silly, I know how we're going to get the money. The men of McKinley calendar! Let's face it— this is the cutest crop of glee boys we've ever had," Tina exclaimed.

"It's January, so it's a great time to sell them now, but you're wrong. Our cutest crop of glee boys was from last year, you can't argue with me on that," Izzy said.

"Biased," Tina chirped. "There are six guys, so each one can take two months. I think Blaine should be December. You can do a Santa Claus thing but sexy. Sexy Claus!" Tina exclaimed, making everyone feel uncomfortable.

"She does know he's gay, right?" she asked Sam.

"I don't think so," he replied, shaking his head.

"Wait, why is it just the men. Why can't we objectify the girls too?" Artie asked.

"Cause girls are the ones that buy stuff. We're responsible for the consumer-driven economy. Those Twilight books are poop on paper, and we've turned them into a billion-dollar industry," Kitty said. "Plus, there are only two girls the people would buy," Kitty said, gesturing to her and Izzy.

"This could actually work! Tina, you're in charge. You can set up photoshoots. Everybody else, pick your months and work on your concepts," Finn said, letting everyone leave.

"So, which months should I pick?" Sam asked enthusiastically.

"Oh god no, the only person allowed to buy that calendar if you're on it is me," Izzy glared. "But really, the summer months suit you."

*******

The day started weirdly as one Sam Evans walked into school shirtless. Izzy quickly rushed up to him and tried to cover him up as much as possible, glaring at the Cheerio who chose to stare. Oh, she was going to make her life a living hell.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she asked, bringing him to Blaine and Tina. "It's January, it's freezing outside."

"What do you mean? It's hot out there, you know? Sun's out, it's, like, way above freezing," he said cooly.

"Are you sure you're not overcompensating a little?" Blaine questioned with a concerned look on his face.

"What? What is he talking about? Overcompensating for what?" Izzy was not only concerned but angry.

"Did you not tell her?" Tina asked him. When he didn't give her an answer Blaine told Izzy.

"His SAT scores, he tanked. But there are retests."

"You know what, dude? Like, if you choose to be jealous of my hard-core rockin' bod, that's on you," Sam replied.

"Uh, for the record, Blaine has an awesome body and a perky and delicious behind that looks like it got baked to perfection by some sort of master chef," Tina glared.

"Thanks, Tina," Blaine said uncomfortably. "I'm just looking out for you."

"Okay, well, then put down the Hatorade and come to my seminar this afternoon for the Men of McKinley calendar. It's a one-hour course entitled Modern Centrefold: "Techniques that Work for Today's Hot Young Posers." 3:30. Locker room. No chicks," he looked directly at Izzy and walked away, still shirtless.

"Oh my god," Izzy slammed her head against her locker as Tina comforted her.

*******

Izzy and Tina were helping out with the school calendar, taking pictures and giving out pointers. It was fun so far, and Izzy thought that all the guys could get modelling contacts easily.

"All right, August is up next!" Izzy yelled, looking at Sam.

"Why don't we do August with a few of the guys? Blaine, why don't you jump in with Sam? You're looking particularly cute today," Tina was practically drooling.

"I'll do it, too," Joe chipped in.

"No offense, Joe, but I don't really think you want to be in a shot next to me. My washboards are gonna make you look like a bloated white Bob Marley," Sam was being an asshole. Izzy scoffed lightly and looked at him with a frown on their face.

"I'm as God made me, dude," Joe replied.

"Look, the reality is that we probably should have just done a Sam Evans calendar," he said, acting like a jerk.

"As much as I would like that, you're being an asshole," she frowned.

"Guys, we waited too long! I lost my pump. I need five minutes," Sam exclaimed, sounding like a lot like Rachel.

Izzy went after him, needing to talk to him. He was lifting weights once again, obsessed with his body.

"What is going on with you?" Izzy looked at him.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he said, not taking his eyes off of the weights.

"Would you stop lifting?" she asked and he put it down. "You're not a body-obsessed meathead."

"You don't understand, you can sing and dance and you're super smart. And you're charming and everything," Sam explained. "I have to announce my presence with authority the second I walk into a room. People have to notice me, or else they never will. People laugh at my impressions because how I look already has them on board."

"Seriously? You believe that?" Izzy questioned.

"It's a fact," he shrugged. "If you want to make it in this world, you have to be special."

"But you are special, even without your body," she replied.

"No, I'm not, it's all I have," he started tearing up. "I'm exhausted. Watching what I eat all the
time, my two-a-day workouts."

"Then you shouldn't do that all the time. Take a break, have some pizza. Even if you have seven percent body fat, you're gonna see that all of us are still gonna love you. And we're gonna laugh at your impressions. And we're gonna hang out with you. You know why?" she asked. "It's because we don't care how you look, we love you for your impressions, your green eggs and ham, and your Avatar references."

"Really? Even the Avatar references?" he questioned, a smile appearing on his face.

"Especially the Avatar references," she responded.

"And you really don't care about the way I look?" his eyebrows were raised.

"It does help a little," she giggled. "Come on, let's finish your shoot, and after this, we're going to get some ice-cream, sound good to you?"

"Yeah," he smiled at her. "Thanks a lot."

"No problem, it's what every good friend would do."