Life off the road

Prologue

I stand looking down at his grave, the guy whom I have loved for five years; and despite the fact that he beat me, cheated on me, and used me, I loved till the day he died. The day which was my fault, it even says so in the letter... well not exactly but it's my exact interpretation.

The letter:

To whom this may concern,
My name is cole and I have decided to end my life tonight. I'm not doing this as an act of violence or vengeance towards anyone, I just feel like I don't have a place in this world anymore, and I don't think I ever did. This girl whom I loved, all I did was hurt her; physically and emotionally. Weather it was cheating, hitting her, using her, or leaving her/putting her in such a bad position that she was forced to leave me. I love you so fucking much Amanda, and mom; you created me and I'm so sorry you couldn't have brought a better son into this world. A son that was great fun for the life you gave him. I've been holding on for so long mom, for you and for dad, but I can't do it anymore. I know this is selfish and is gonna hit you the hardest, but allow yourself to live, and get over me, I was never really important or useful anyway. All I did was annoy, bother, and hurt everyone anyway. Father, I often went to church with you to make you happy. I understand how disappointed in me you must be because god gave me this life for a reason, and refusing it is a sin. But dad, I only even went to please you, I don't even believe in god. My body is here before you, soon to be rotting in the ground. I am not in heaven or hell, for neither is real. Heaven isn't a really place it's a copping mechanism, to comfort us when we think about death. But death isn't scary, it's a gift, one that I am taking, embracing. To my sister, I love you so fucking much. Even though I was the gross weird kid and I got bullied you always picked me back up and made me feel normal. I would've ended my life a lot sooner if you weren't there for me. This isn't your fault, that I didn't allow you to be here for me. I pushed everyone away years ago.

Guilt consumes me, as I look down at the casket slowly being lowered into the ground. I bite my lip, and walk to the back of the crowd crying.

"Hey" Max says smiling small, as I wipe my tears

"Its all my fault max" I choke out, I love him so much but I also killed him

"Hey hey" Max hugs me "No, you didn't"

"Yes I did" I cry "Max I miss him so much"

"I do too" Max pulls away with a smile, tears brimming his eyes

"Max please don't cry" I beg, and then tears fall down his face, and I cry harder as we hug

Zach is here too, as well as Jessie, Elias, Ethan, Vince, and Nyah.

"This is all your fault" Nyah looks at me angrily

"Shut the fuck up you stupid bitch" Zach hisses

"Why is she even here?"

"Fuck outta here whore"

"Guys" I plead at a whisper, looking up, but not leaving Max's arms

"She's the whore she's probably fucking max" She hisses, so I turn quick, and I'm about to pound this bitch to death, but Max grabs my arm

"FUCK YOU" I scream, then everyone, even Coles mom looks at me "GET OUT OF HERE"

"What's going on?" Coles broken mom asks tears in her eyes

"This fucking whore killed Cole"

"NYAH" Jessie screams

"Leave" the mom says "This is my sons funeral" she starts crying "You don't deserve to be her"

So Nyah trudges away, "I'm so sorry" I whisper, and the mom comes up to and hugs me, I let out a little whine, then the ceremony continues, and we hold each other