"I'm often described as dangerous. I tell people they shouldn't trust me. I'm usually seen as a confident person who doesn't care about what people think." - XxYaoi_ObsessedxX (Pain)
How I feel and how I act are so different from each other. I act like I don't care about what people think about me and I act like I don't physically hurt myself every single day in ways that don't leave noticeable marks on my body. I act like I don't want to breakdown and cry in the middle of school and I act like i'm just a little sad and not chronically depressed. I have to pretend like I don't take strong pills to make me normal.
I feel like I am nothing to the people I care about. I feel like a plant that can't perform photosynthesis, I feel like i'm dying. I feel worthless and useless, I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel suicidal, like dying, like taking a knife and forcing it through my heart, like not breathing. I feel DEAD.
The friends I thought I had have left. The girl I cared about the most told me that her and I should stop talking to each other completely. Ironically she said this to me whilst writing this. I promised that I wouldn't leave her. I kept my promise but I couldn't keep my best friend next to me through everything like we were for the last four years. The girl that felt like my sister, the girl that I trusted with my life, the girl that I wanted to keep safe. She left like it was nothing to her.
So much for being there for each other through thick and thin. There goes four years of trust and love. Goodbye to the reason of my being here standing on the ground instead of being buried six feet under it. It was great going through so many memories with you good and bad. Even though we got through everything, we couldn't quite get through this one. This is the only battle we lost and sadly it's apparently the last as well.
Thank you for being the second part of me, my other half, my missing piece, the perfect fit to fill the hole in my now gaping wasted space called a heart.
