Therapy

Cuts(trigger warning)

"What?"
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(Levi's POV)

My emotions stopped functioning. My heart stopped beating. My world stopped spinning. My head began to throb. I grabbed my hair roughly and tugged harshly on it. I looked at the floor as my splitting headache manifested itself as tears. I let out a scream as I fell to the ground. My eyes darted around, maniacally. "He lost a lot of blood. He's already most likely bled out and died." Suddenly, my head snapped up. My legs began to move on their own. I had to get out of there. I had to get away from his lies. I dashed out the door of the police station, and back home. Eren? Gone? No. He's lying. When I open the door, the room will be lit up by Eren's teasing smile, and his eyes, taunting me that I fell for it. I grabbed the doorknob, and fumbled with the keys. The door clicked, and I jerked it open. No Eren. I dashed up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. No Eren. I frantically ran to the bedroom and opened the door. I threw off the conversation to the bed. I checked in the closet. No Eren. I grabbed my hair and sobbed, sinking to my knees. My splitting headache began to make my world turn, and I fell into a restless sleep.

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I woke to a banging on the door. What was happening? Why was I laying on the floor. I reached up to my face only to find it puffed up, and stained with tears. I groaned groggily. I probably had a nightmare. I stumbled to my feet and down the stairs. I opened the door, and saw Hanji. "Her hair was disheveled, and her eyes were frantic. "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?? I WAS ABOUT TO CALL THE POLICE!!" She screamed in my ears. I shut my eyes and grimaced. "Why? I was taking a nap..." I replied. "I was so worried that you would do something to yourself." She sobbed. "Why would I do anything like that?" "You don't remember?" She whispered. I racked my brain trying to remember what she was talking about when everything came back to me. The kidnapping. The police station. Eren. Raped. Kidnapped. My eyes widened and my throat clenched. My legs turned to jelly and I fell into Hanji's arms. She caught me, and stroked my head. My chest hurt. My heart hurt. I couldn't feel my legs. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout. I wanted to avenge Eren. But I couldn't do anything. I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel anymore. I felt like a hollow shell. A doll. Devoid of all emotion or feeling. I lifted myself out of Hanji's arms, gave her a blank stare, and slammed the door shut. I walked up the stairs and entered the bedroom. I slammed the door shut and sat on the bed. I needed a distraction. Something to divert my attention from this intense, consuming grief. I looked at myself in the mirror. I already looked so much older. It's only been a day. I ran my hand over my face, and felt a hint of a stubble. I should shave. Shave. With a blade. I've read about people doing it, but I never thought about doing it myself. I walked to the bathroom, and yanked open the drawer. My shaving blade. I removed the blade, and stared at it. The way the light glinted on the clean, silver surface. I looked at my wrist. So smooth. So clean. Do I really want to do this?

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I brought the blade up to my wrist... and slashed it. Pain exploded through my body, like getting electrocuted. But it somehow felt... satisfying. I brought the blade back up to my wrist and made another slash, this time slower, and more deliberate. I inhaled sharply. I threw my head back, closing my eyes, and making another cut. Each cut made my arm number and number. The physical pain, as well as the emotional pain began to numb. I inhaled deeply, the thick smell of blood wafting through the air. I looked down at my mutilated wrist. I snapped back into reality. I decided to wrap a bandage around my wrist. I didn't want to live. I just wanted to let myself bleed out and die. But I didn't deserve to die. I couldn't save Eren. I deserve to live in agony every single day.

Flashback
"Momma?"
"Yes Levi Honey?"
"Why does that lady have boo-boos on her arm"
"She did that to herself."
"Why?"
"When people go through a lot, they think the best way to deal with it is to harm themselves. But it's not. If you ever have a hard time in life, I want you to talk. Talk to your friends. Talk to your family. Talk to me. But never do that to yourself. Do you understand?"
"Yes, momma."
End flashback

I remembered that talk my mom had with me at the grocery store. We got in an accident on the way back. She died on impact. I was in the hospital for months. I was only six. Then my dad began to abuse me. He hurt me. I wanted to die. Then I met Eren. We ran away and started a new life. Eren was the ray of hope in the otherwise dark sea of my life. An I lost him. And now I'm doing exactly what i swore to my mom I'd never do... cutting. I looked as the blood smeared blade, and threw it at the wall. I sobbed, and slid down the wall, slowly wrapping a bandage around my mutilated wrist. I looked at it, disgusted. If I was my old self, i would have cleaned, sterilized, stitched, and wrapped the wound immediately. But I couldn't. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I couldn't feel. The only feeling I could distinguish from the mess of my mind was emptiness and apathy. My chest swelled with the burden of sorrow, and my head pounded with all the unshed tears. Once again, I fell into a restless sleep