It Rains on Weekends

Chapter 4

PRESENT

As I opened my eyes, I hoped against all hopes, that Judge would not be there, sitting in front of me crying, and that my mother would be home, bursting into my room with something like pita chips in her hands.

Hope however, does not change reality.

As I silently watched Judge weep, I decided that I would never hope for anything again.

I once again laid my head back against the side of my bed (author's note:Haha that rhymed.. sorry was this not a good time to mention this?) and closed my eyes, willing tears to come to me in great tidal waves of withheld emotion, but none came.My tearducts stayed as dry as a desert.I tucked my hands into my lap, not sure what to do with them, but I knew that at this moment, no matter how insensitive it was, I just wanted to sleep.For a year.Or two.Or maybe forever.

Your mother is asleep forever.

I choked on my tongue, and forced myself to open my eyes.Judge was still crying, so I leaned forward and hugged my knees to my chest. I didn't want to say anything.I wanted to let him cry.At least he could.

But to my surprise he leaned forward and slung his arms around my neck.He pulled me into a tight hug, and held my face against his chest."Peach Tree" engulfed me in its calming radiance.This would be the perfect time to cry.

So why couldn't I?

He rested his cheek on top of my head, and he combed his fingers through my hair.For once, he actually seemed fatherly.I could feel his tears soaking the top of my head, and I closed my eyes, feeling a small sort of comfort in his touch.

"It's just us now." He whispered pushing me away.He held me by my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes.I looked back into his, the vibrant green disfigured by a faded red and blurred by his ongoing tears.He was trying to be strong, I could see that, but his grip weakened and his head drooped.He pushed his face into the side of my neck, resting his head on my shoulder this time, my hair hiding his face.He held me in his arms once again as he said "So what are we going to do?"

I felt like an adult while he moved around like a restless child, but i just draped my left arm over his shoulders and used my right one to comb through HIS hair this time.

"I don't know." I whispered. " I really don't know what to do anymore.I don't know if I ever will."

This just made him cry harder.

As I held him, I realized that I had not once felt an ounce of that betraying love that I should've already felt by now.My throat tightened.Now that she's gone, will I ever feel it again?I quickly pushed him away.

"What's the matter?" Judge asked, a hurt look on his face.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry Judge I just.." I ran my hand through my hair, uncombing what Judge had just combed. "I just can't okay?"

"Can't what?" Tears started to fall from his eyes, plopping onto his jeans.

"I just.." I let out a tortured sound. "I just want to sleep alright? I need to sleep."

His eyes widened. "Well can I sleep on the floor beside you?I'll be quiet."

I closed my eyes. I wanted to hold him in my arms. I wanted to kiss him and coddle him and tell him that everything would be alright.But I couldn't.I never could. It's wrong.It'd be wrong, and I can't pretend that with someone like me, it would really ever be an alright thing to do.

"No Judge.Please.I need to be alone."

He was quiet for a second, and I was glad that I had my eyes closed so I wouldn't have to see his expression.

"Alright." He whimpered. "I'll be in my room then."

It hurt us both, I knew, to hear him say "my room".

Because my mother and him shared that room.My mother and him shared that bed.

After a second, he got up and walked out, and I dragged myself into my bed.I stared for awhile, in the dying light, at the rainfall.Everything seemed different somehow, yet the same.

Ah. I get it. The world hasn't changed, but ours sure has.

I buried myself underneath the blankets and pillows and closed my eyes.So much hurt was welled up inside of me.

I couldn't even comfort the one I loved.