The Things I Learned in Fiction Class

Writing dialogue is not just about having good grammar

I'll get to the grammar aspects of dialogue later in this series (since that's something I've seen a lot of people struggle with as well), but first, I want to make a point about how dialogue is used.

When I decide if I want to read a story, the first thing I do is pull up a bit of dialogue and see if it makes me want to puke. Dialogue is one of those tricky things that seems to trip people up all over the place. It's not just grammar that matters, but also content and flow. People can have perfect grammar and cringe-worthy dialogue.

Some general pointers for writing dialogue that were discussed in my fiction class:

I. Dialogue should not be used primarily to fill space or advance plot. 

Make your dialogue consistent with your characters, and remember that each character is a person. That means they have a personality, motivations, and desires. Your character's desire is not to advance the plot (that may be the writer's desire, but it is not your character's desire). If in the course of your writing, a previously uninterested character suddenly becomes intensely curious about the exact necessary plot points to get you from point A to point B, your dialogue will seem very contrived. 

My writing instructor liked to say that dialogue should be written like a tennis match. Each person is trying to get what he wants, to win.

BAD:

"Grab the loot," said the larger of the orcs. "We did real good today."

"Oh yeah, we did," said the second orc, hoisting the bag "Look at all this! We're gonna be so rich."

"We could buy diamonds!" said orc number one with expression of orcish glee.

"You got it," said orc number two. "Why, I betcha we could buy ourselves a house."

...And two very boring orcs join the nameless hordes of evil stereotypes roaming plot-bunny-land.

BETTER:

"OUCH!"

"God, Larry, keep your voice down," said Darrien. "You're going to bring the cops on us."

"But the loot just landed on my toe."

"Think, old chap!" said Darrien, his eyes bright with pride. "Think of all the money this looting's going to bring the rebels."

"Yeah," said Larry miserably, clutching his foot, "It may even be enough to pay my doctor's bills for the next week."

Here, Darrien is too caught up in his own motivation – getting the loot to the rebels – to care about Larry's injury. And Larry's disinterest in the rebel cause, or lack of a similar pride to Darrien's, says much about his character.

II. Avoid making your dialogue overemotional 

Unless (a) you're trying to be funny or (b) the scene really calls for it, random emotional outbursts will probably end up looking laughable at best, and almost certainly detract from your story. Conflict is often best portrayed through stiffness rather than all-out shouting.

BAD:

"YOU ARE A TERRIBLE WIFE!" he screamed. "You never do the laundry, our room is a mess, and you're never home! NOW WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE TO THE PARTY BECAUSE YOU GOT BACK FROM WORK LATE!"

"I HATE YOUR  STUPID WORK PARTIES!" she said. "I JUST WANT TO SLEEP AND READ A BOOK! Why can't you leave me here instead of dragging me to this stupid event?"

"I can't believe you're doing this to me. Why do you have to bring this up now?? All these years, I've made money for you, cleaned the house, done the dishes! I've kept you from being turned out onto the streets, and this is how you repay me? By making me talk with excess exclamation marks!!!"

"WELL, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME!" she cried. "I CAN'T STAND TO LIVE HERE ANYMORE! I'M LEAVING, AND I'M TAKING OUR LITTLE DOG, TOO!"

In addition to coming off as cartoonish and ridiculous (okay, so I helped them along a little...), these characters seem to have adopted Harry Potter During Puberty Syndrome (i.e. CONSTANTLY TALKING IN ALL CAPS). Please, folks, we don't need MORE teen angst.

BETTER:

"The party starts at six thirty," he said, looking at his watch. "Do you plan to get dressed or continue sprawling on the sofa?"

She raised a cold eyebrow and rose to her feet. "I think we can be fashionably late, for a change."

"Punctuality is a vir-tue." He made the last word a hissing staccato and crossed to the other end of the drawing-room. Presently he said, "Have you seen our son Tolliver anywhere?"

"I think he's hiding from the hideous color of your blazer, darling."

Voila... The tension builds between this couple... and no excess shouting involved!

III. "Said" is the best dialogue tag 

Don't try to get all fancy with words like "fussed" or "argued" or "implored." I will judge you. I will judge you hard. 

BAD:

"Look," Anne cried. "There's a dog on the beach."

"'Ain't a dog," her brother exclaimed, "I think it's a person."

"I say it's a dog," Anne huffed.

"Look," sighed Frank, "it's easy enough to check. Just go over there and kick it in the nuts."

"Frank!" Annie reproached.

"It's a person," Frank declared. "You can tell because he has a nose."

"Dogs have noses, too," Annie snapped.

"But theirs are wet and kind of more triangular," Frank huffed.

See how all the different dialogue tags detract from what the two kids are saying? You're totally wowed by all the weird verbs, and can't pay any attention to what's actually important: the dialogue.

Another thing: try to vary speech with description, with words that lack dialogue tags, etc. You're basically going for flow.

BETTER:

"Look," said Anne. "There's a dog on the beach."

"'Ain't a dog," her brother called back, "I think it's a person."

He scratched a mosquito bite on his ear. Anne tossed a rock up and down in the air and caught it again. They squinted through the heat haze toward the unmoving shape in the sand some twenty yards away.

"I say it's a dog," said Anne.

"Look," said Frank, "it's easy enough to check. Just go over there and kick it in the nuts."

"Frank!"

They squinted.

"It's a person," Frank said decisively. "You can tell because he has a nose."

"Dogs have noses, too."

"But theirs are wet and kind of more triangular."

And now that you are thoroughly weirded out by my examples, go write something of your own!