Speak in a roudabout way

Chapter 4: A time of searching, revealing and denying

A few hours were left of the night as you managed catch your first conscious thought since eternities. The darkness hadn't vanished completely, but the first rays of the sun creeped over the sky, weak and still shy, but growing stronger with each passing minute. Dully you watched how the dark blue sky turned slowly a more vivid blue-grey, then into a bright range of shades of red, orange and yellow, indicating it would rain later that day.

Your eyes burned, your mouth was dry and nose even dryer after the hours and hours of silent and unmoved crying, right there on the carpet of your flat. You didn't even care about the coldness seeping into your bones, only curled tighter into yourself, your arms protecting your middle from any harm.

Except for the harm which was already done.

There were no more tears left. You cried them all, accompanied by the cracking and falling apart of your heart. A constant ache settled in your chest, nested there like a bunch of snakes, coiling and squeezing the beating organ with every beat.

Your spine hurt. Spending a night on the ground was apparently not that healthy. A little groan lingered in the air as you tried to sit up, failed and fell back again into your original position, curled up and knees drawn to your chest like a child trying to protect himself.

It's no use. Just laying here until I feel better.

But when would that be? When would that terrible feeling of being left behind disappear? In a day? In a week, a month, maybe a year? When would you not feel so bad anymore, this uncertain sick fur in the back of your throat, making it hard to swallow and hard to think clear?

Only when the first rays of sun crawled into your apartment, you sniffled one last time and propped yourself up. Carefully, like your bones were made of glass. Every movement felt like you could shatter and your breath was heavy when you finally managed to sit.

Slowly you rubbed your eyes, wiping the last bits of halfway dried tears away. A part of you, the part full of despaired grief and disbelief (This can't be happening, this isn't real, Kakashi loves me and wouldn't leave me like this!) urged you into the direction of your bed, telling about the warm comfort of your blankets and the blissful forgiveness of sleep waiting. But the other part, the part built by years of duty and rules, the part who needed an order and a red thread leading you through the day, insisted on taking the challenge of getting through the day head on, without any restraints and not caring about your feelings.

Remember. You're a shinobi, a ruthless killing machine, formed by mission after mission and countless interrogations. Something pitiful like a breaking-up shouldn't faze me like this!

I don't want to. I don't want to be strong, I can't act strong.

Get your ass off the ground! I don't care about a broken heart, just keep going and deal later with it!

I don't want to... My bed seems like the best choice I could make today.

I DON'T CARE! DO SOMETHING!

Under a lot of effort and "encouraged" by your strict and unwavering self-control, you stumbled onto your own feet. There you stood, confused and dully staring holes into the thin air, arms protectively slung around your stomach even when there was still nothing, however...

You loved it already. Whatever was growing inside of you, if now boy or girl, you loved your child. Yours, your baby, your own flesh and blood. It was yours and even the ugly break-up couldn't cut the bond between you and your child. In fact, it was the only thing keeping you halfway sane, a small string of certitude in your life. With a heavy sigh you loosened your grip and stumbled over to the kitchen counter, skipping through the contents of the fridge and in the end tugging out yesterday's take-out from Ichiraku's. If you were really going for a "normal" day and a "normal" routine, then choosing your own breakfast was your first step to suppress more tears and crying. Together with a hot and blessed shower, a new set of clothes and a round of brushing your teeth.