The house on Starbucks Island was quite empty without Dobby. The Sorting Hat's days were filled with endless gazing out of windows and deep ponderings, which he already did for many years before he met the love of his life, Dobby. It seemed, however, that once he got a taste of the wild life, he couldn't get enough. Besides, Sorting Hat didn't have much more time left with Dobby. His unnamed deadly disease seemed to have calmed down on Starbucks Island, but Sorting Hat worried that if he left home, the stress would be too much for is poor Dobby, that he would die without getting to say goodbye...
A loud ringing to the tune of "All the Single Ladies" made the Sorting Hat jump. For a moment, he held the hope that Dobby was home, but he pushed the thought aside. Dobby would apparate directly to where Sorting Hat was for an emotional welcome home. As the tune continued playing, tears filled his empty eye sockets as he remembered the day they put in in. Dobby was so excited...
The Butler, after attending to the children, opened the door. It was White Girl (Trademark) and her most recent boyfriend from the popular boyband One Direction, Liam Payne. She was very pregnant and had her four children trailed behind her. Although this was quite impossible to produce in the span of five months, White Girl (Trademark) still managed to achieve this feat of science. Sorting Hat usually hated their visits. They wanted the children to "bond" while the parents cooed about how "cute" their children were. Personally, Sorting Hat thought that human babies were repulsive, disgusting, and not in any way moist. House Hats (or Sorting Elves, they hadn't really decided which) were obviously the finer specimen, with their amazing intellectual capabilities and a smooth, slime-like substance coating their bodies that cleans any surface it touches. They also had strong magical powers from the combination of Sorting Hat's charms and House Elves' natural magic. But that was just the Sorting Hat's opinion, nothing more...
The Butler brought his two beautiful children downstairs. Sobby, with the head of a house elf and the body of a hat, and Sorting Dobby, with a hat for a head and the body of an elf. White Girl TM immediately started cooing over them. Butler, knowing how much Sorting Hat hated these meetings, pulled him aside to another room.
"I figured you didn't want to deal with that." Butler jerked his head to the group of them in the living room. Liam was taking a particularly angry business call about "stripping something down" while White Girl TM was trying to control the dangerous path of all six children. Sorting Hat smiled. Butler knew him a little too well. Butler cleared his throat. "So, how are you holding up?"
"RAVENCLAW!" he shouted, much like a very loud hiccough. Everyone turned to stare at him. His velvet folds darkened. "Carry on, carry on."
"Something wrong?" Butler looked concerned.
"Nothing, I just do that when I get stressed."
"Come on, let's go somewhere private so I can help calm you down."
"Thank you- HUFFLEPUFF!"
butler laughed. "Yeah, I think you need a little help." They arrived at Sorting Hat and Dobby's bedroom. Sorting Hat open the door hesitantly, as if alarms were going off. When they sat on the bed, Butler sighed. "Sorting Hat, I haven't really been honest with you. Ever since I was eleven years old, from the moment you were placed on my head, I have been in love with you. I;ve tried to ignore my feelings, as you're a hat, but ever since I came to work for you, it's been so hard to sleep knowing you were in the room just next door, knowing that you were taken. But now..." Butler gently kissed Sorting Hat. At first, Sorting hat was tense. After all, he was married. But then he reminded himself that, even when they were together, Dobby was flirting with others too. How could it be so bad?
"Gryffindor," muttered Sorting Hat under his breath. Then, once he fully realized what he'd done, he shouted "SLYTHERIN!" Sorting Hat threw himself off of Butler.
"What was that for?" he asked, offended.
"I'm married! I have kids! I can't be with you! You-you're fired!"
"Fine!" Butler yelled, then stormed out of the house.
Sorting hat bent his point, wondering what he was going to do. He looked up to see Sobby standing in front of him, mouth wide. Then, in his Morgan Freeman voice, he said, "Dad? You cheated on Dad!"
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I wrote this over two years ago and oh boy that was a wild ride for me
