After a week of no food or sleep, Dobby was surprisingly more alert than ever. He had certainly gone far longer without them, but never doing it willingly. Dobby had been waiting for something to do ever since he moved to Starbucks Island. Everything seemed to be done for him. He followed Draco Malfoy, finding all of his habits, his friends, reading his diary... Not that didn't know most of the things Draco wrote in there; after all, he lived with him for 12 years. His daddy issues, questions about sexuality, and his surprisingly unwavering love for barbeque sauce. But Dobby didn't bother telling Harry Potter all of this, for he knew Harry Potter was only interested in where Draco Malfoy was going, not any of his personal issues. Though, if it was a romantic conquest, he was going about it in all the wrong ways.
"Good job, Dobby! You can go now if you want." Dobby bowed low and a apparated back to Starbucks Island. There, a scence was playing out that Dobby wasn't quite sure how to process.
First, all the members of One Direction were arguing with White Girl™ (through their lawyers and managers of course, they didn't want to get sued). Her children were running rampant, conjuring Starbucks Frappuccinos out of thin air and throwing their Ugg boots all over the place. Baristas were running wild carrying loads of milk and coffee from a burning Starbucks, no doubt set aflame by one of the toddlers. White Girl™ seemed to be giving birth, but Dobby couldn't quite tell. She'd given birth so many times in the past few months, she herself barely noticed.
Sorting Hat was kicking the butler to the curb, chatting a stream of curses peppered with shouts of "SLYTHERIN!" or "RAVENCLAW!" Sobby yet again was sobbing and Sorting Dobby reverted back to his Shakespearean sonnets, which he recited when he was stressed.
"Daddy!" shouted Sobby. "Daddy cheated on you!" Dobby stumbled a little.
"What?"
"Dobby, I can explain-"
Dobby shook his head. "I've seen enough."
Water was staining Sorting Hat's fabric. At first, Dobby thought it was tears, but it was just a barista pouring water on him because he was on fire. "I didn't mean to- I mean, you've done it too..."
"Dobby's done it too? When has Dobby ever acted on his infatuations? No, even the worst temptations Dobby has ignored. Because of you! Sorting Hat, Dobby thought we had something. Maybe Dobby isn't as fickle as you say. Maybe Sorting Hat is the fickle one!"
"Dobby, please! Give me a second chance!"
Dobby turned away and snapped his fingers and Beyonce and a group of scantily-clad, badass women appeared. Out of nowhere, the backbeat to "Single Ladies" started on every Speaker outside of Starbucks on the island. Dobby and Beyonce, leading the group, went into a perfectly in-sync version of the iconic music video. It was something of a masterpiece. No performance was ever done with such meaning, such sass. Sobby joined in a perfect rendition almost exactly like his father's. Sorting Hat couldn't look away.
After they finished, Dobby grabbed Sobby's hand and snapped his fingers. They all disappeared, leaving a lightly charred Sorting Hat alone with several baristas and still-arguing lawyers.
"Order for Sharting Fat?" shouted one of the baristas.
Sorting Hat snatched it out of her hands and threw the perfectly crafted venti caramel macchiato on the ground. For good measure, they stomped on it. How had he screwed up so bad?
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The long-awaited update! A list of names speech to text has called Dobby:
Debbie
David
To be
Do be
Hattie
To be continued...
