IT FUCKING HURTS: Blogging Everyday!

April 18, 2019

Dear Known

Today has been hell. If I am being honest.. im hurting like crazy...

I wish things like this were easy, i wish it was simple to let go of all the pain inside and just breathe...Breathe....To just have these moments go by quicker, to have a control where we can skip to the next phase in life. you know? I want to be happy.. i want to be be able to smile and not have this pain tug on my smile. I dont want to pretend anymore... im tired of some people telling me what to do, what not to do.... listen... i get it... you want to help and i am all for that. this is a moment where i just need to reflect on everything, and deciede on what my next move in life is. I understand that you make think i am doing something wrong, or that i am taking something too quick... i get it.. you dont want to see me in pain... i undeerstand... i dont want to be in pain too.... i dont want to be reminded everyday what i had to go through. I took the big step to let him go so i can better myself. i wont take a step back and fall into that trap again....

Maybe it isnt a trap... but i know that i cant.... i cant continue living in fear.. i need my own time to proccess everything... and i hate when people are telling me what to do! im not some robot who can just flip a switch and be ok with everything. All this takes time. i need time.. i dont know what the hell is going to happen when this "time" that i need is over.... i cant tell you guys if i will be getting back together with him or maybe find someone else....i care for him deeply i do... and he will always have a special place in my heart... if only you guys knew all the pain i have been feeling for awhile now.... you guys would understand... 

im not trying to be selfish and decided to end a relationship with him because i wanted to. I did it becuase after being in pain for so long and having the person who is suppose to be there for you thick and thin is not... i was over it... i knew that he wasnt going to be there for me like i have been there for him. not saying he ever was... or ever will ...but...

i dont know... im glad he is doing better... im glad he is ok without me... it shows hwo strong he is... if i am being honest... with you guys and myself... im scared.. .becuase i dont know what the hell is going to happen to me... i dont know if i will ever be truly happy.. i mean yes i am talking to a friend who so far has been very supportive and caring.... always making me feel like i am worth something... and i am thankful i really am... i feel happy when i talk to this friend every time... its just ... i feel like a soul just here... in life... with no purpose whatsoever... i want to find that purpose myself and pursue it! like my friend says... " You got this!"