Wake Up, It's Reality

Closer to Now

     Then my parents found out I had interest in females. Flipped out. Expected though...so I'm chill. I think that was when I started to realize how much I watched other people. I have a very intense gaze. Listen to the song up top and read the quote to get how I feel like 24/7 though... My friend recently gave me feedback that I'm not connecting with the stories. I really don't wanna relive any of it. I know to have people understand... I have to connect. So, here goes.

     Often, I feel like I'm looking in from the outside. I sit in the lunchroom and look around. I feel so out of place. I feel so wrong... and dirty in my own body. I feel so disgusting... I'm such a mistake... my body doesn't match my mind. I look often at me feminine figure and feel sick. Why couldn't I just have had a male structure? Why couldn't I have been born with a dick? Instead I have an hourglass figure. I have a considerably large bottom. I have a nice figure, an okay face... I have long slender legs and a long torso. I'm petite and tall. I just, I don't want it. I loathe myself. I often wish when riding in the car to just crash and kill me. I wish for accidents to happen all the time to kill me. I wish I was a victim to a murder. 'Cause I'm a coward... I can't slice my skin like paper. I can't burn myself like sticks. I can't hurt myself.... I can't kill myself. I'm afraid. I don't know why. I wanna be cared for. I wanna be loved. I feel so empty, yet too full. My mind is dead yet racing with too many thoughts. I'm invisible yet too visible. I feel too much, yet not enough. Why opposites at the same time? All the time. It's like I'm colorblind and everyone is telling me how colorful and beautiful everything is. I don't wanna hear it. It's like I'm drowning... all the time. Everyone is saying how easy breathing is... How good it feels. I'm suffocating in thoughts and this body is restricting me of me. I like all genders...and anyone. What's wrong with that? I didn't choose this. It ain't a choice, it's just the way I am. I don't necessarily wanna die. I just want the pain to end.

     My mind is racing a million miles a minute. I can barely grasp any of my thoughts. My writing is jumbled, 'cause I'm racing to spill it all out. I can barely breathe.... I'm trying.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(A/N)

     I'm here for anyone who ever needs anything. It can be the littlest drama. I'm here.

                                                                                                                            ~ Elliot