Mommy !"
I woke up frightened still holding him tight close to my chest and for some foolish reason, I feared my sudden movement could interrupt his deep sleep. Yet in the breifest of a moment, when the dreams blended very unfairly with the glimps of waking up, before even my lashes could flutter open or for the druming of my heart to stumble over this unusual fast rhythm, a moment descised in utter selfishness or was it just the plane, cruel hope ? I wished it'd happen. He'd get up.
Allowing my hypocritic mind to indulge for a tiny bit more, into the sweetest lie ever been told. Or dare I say, the most precious wish ever been asked for. A wish so forbidden that the devil him self wouldn't dare to garantee in exchange for every soul walked on earth to collect. That, the bare truth wasn't an option, so hideous, so repulsive and just as ugly to think about. It should've been unthinkable. An impossible fact, or at least near the impossible for any creature to understand, let alone for a mother to handle.
As davestating as it was, waking up to his cry wasn't any near as a bad dreem as realising he wouldn't make any sound as long as it ever might last, he wouldn't cry no longer. I just woke up to my most frightfull nightmares.
Nightmares and bad dreams ! Silly girl, you should've known better.
This wierd thought kept nagging me when everything made absolute nonsens. Any kind of punishment I was willing to take rather than living a nano seconde in a reality held nothing real, where there was no light to lead the way, no solid ground to stand upon, no guidelines, no future to look up for, a reality without his smiles, his giggles or even his cries, a reality in which he just ceased exist within.
The word reality had nothing to do with anything real, it was just an expression we imployed to try and live up with something we couldn't understand fully, something we believed to be so unfair to accure, always overcoated of a feeling of injustice, which we deep down thought it just shoudn't happen.
How, and by all means could I ever bring myself to say just one eternal goodbye to everything I held dear?
I looked down where he was crambled next to me underneath the plane white sheets seeming as if the world just has stopped and this picture would be bounde to my mind for eternity, all I aspired in this little time I've got, was to memorise every single detail about him yet at the same time I just craved to let it go, just forget everything and even with this impeakable amont of pain, I wished he never was around to be gone this soon, our time was limited since day one yet never thought it would end so breifly therefore I wanted to let go, and had to convince myself, he was never mine to stay.
I drew my eyes and slowly met his angilic features, he seemed so calm and peacefull, no more in pain and I still didn't want to annoy him while he slept so deeply. I smoothed down the bit of his tousled like sunrays locks, always messy getting stumbled somehow in the pillow, I run the tip of my fingers passed his cold cheecks, the freckles on his nose, the tiny weired shaped birth mark just above his eyebrows. I almost touched his long eyelashes that gave a certain pattern of shadow underneath, a gray shadow, just like a cloudy sky, just like his eyes.
His pal skin took a hint of a bleu color same as his lips which were even a deeper shade, almost a dark purple. I pressed my lips down his forehead for so long and that didn't bother him like it used to, I kissed his closed eyelid yet he didn't flutter them open... he was so still, so cold, he wasn't breathing, he wasn't sleeping.
Everything surrounding me shuttered and sounded as if a million pieces of broken glass getting washed down inside my ears, my eyes burnt and my vesion went a blur, my head pounded and I could no more hear the rain that was pouring outside. I found myself drenched on that small balcony attatched to his room. I took a fistful of my soacked hear and pulled at the roots attempting to rip everything off as I crawled, hitting the floor with a silent thump, a forien noise left my throat that had nothing in commun with any human sound.
While the lightning stricked sparkling white high in dark clouds, the thunder roared louder than my still beating heart, a heart so emotionless continuing to pomp blood through a shell of a body which could never absorb the bitterness of this suffer so called life. I didn't realise weither I was crying or screaming until my throat ached like a burning fire.
It was then when the world went silent and the light took control. Walking through a white tunnel leading to somewehre that seemed oddly familiar. The heat radiating from the fireplace dried my wet shirt and warmed my heart.
The smell of dinner cooking, some kind of mashroom soup, I was holding a wooden spoon stirring the delicious seeming food and I could hear footsteps. They were as light as feathers hitting the hardwood floor, each foot stumbling in a rhythm matching my quickened pulse. He was no doubt wearing his favorite fluffy socks , the one with mickey mouse on each side of his anckles. soft giggles let away his hiding place, he always liked playnig hide and seek. I liked it too. I'd find him soon enough to play it over and over, until he falls asleep like always.
He was calling my name with his To join him, to be with him.
A small hand was reaching to me and I could feel his touch if I just got a bit higher. I climbed an edge and stood on top high enough to get to him, hanging one of my feet. I needed to leap so I took a deep breath and threw my wieght to the wind ready to be with my Bo. He was so close, smiling his full dimples glowing with the warmest beam.
I felt a force pulling me back to the ground, and Bo just vanished in this windy storm.
« what the..!? » a deep voice cried out loud. And a strong grip held me, did someone caught me? Did he pulled me away from my child, he made him desappear.
« No !no ! » I screamed my lungs out.
« Lina stop it, what are you doing ? »
« let go you.. » shit, let go of me. I don't want you, I want my Bo.
I screamed, I shouted hitting him, bowling my fists against his chest, his forearm, his face. I struggled to get loose, to free my hands so I could reach for Bo but he kept pulling in, trying hugging me and stuttering words I couldn't hear, what in the hell was he mumbling about ? just let go of me you shit, just let me be with my son and I would be fine.
« lina, I'm here. Please ! » grabbing my face making look up, meeting the only gaze similar to Bo's, that foggy bleu, dark rims cealing an almost white cloudy sky. Something was odd, Bo's were brighter filled with joy, a ring of a lovely green just next to the center, sending life to his beaming gourgeous eyes I kissed thier closed lid earlier. Yeah, that was right. My Bo was already gone.
« Bo...he's gone » I quivered surrundering giving the last bit of sens I've still got « Rick, my son is gone ! » I said it because it was true and I finally believed it.
My knees felt weak and my head went fuzzy and everything desappeared slowly bhinde some dark curtens.
YOU ARE READING
Cloudy Liver...
RandomA married couple struggling to pull through the loss of their only child.
