Cloudy Liver...

Storm

Waking up.

Something so normal that most of us don't think of twice. It's that part of the day when nothing is yet to exist, you have no memory. You barely know who you are. Somewhere so close to oblivion.

A longing for award. It's each day very own miraculous gift we take for granted, a blank. That's what it is, that's what I am.

I long for those breive moments when I was no longer a presonner of my own poisonous thoughts, when I was equile with everybody, I wasn't in a diffrent categorey. I didn't need neither compation nor pity. And the world was so simple in a way you coudn't easly put in a word.

I wore a black dress, one of the pile I've got in the closet.

What a silly joke, to be picking out an outfit for such occasion !

One you've never had the audacity to think it could accure let alone chosing what you should put on when it actually does.

I sat facing the mirror but I coudn't bring myself to look into up enough to reach my reflection.

A monster, hands and knees shaking, breathing getting louder, heart beat accelarating, I slowly looked up until the tiny perles in the necklace I was wearing, the perles were so distracting, when the dim light coming from the mixture of the early morning rays and the bedside lamp hit those perles in that particular spot, they gave away an almost gray glow seeming heartbreakingly similar to the one thing I tried hard not to think about.

I smashed the mirror with my fist and the door opend.

« polina ! What have you done ? » mum screamed rushing over « let me see ! » she took my hand, blood was dripping « oh my dear, we need to clean it » she led me to the bathroom.

I can take care of myself, there's no need for you to be doing this.

I wanted to say it out loud but never did. I guess my actions spoke for me because she insisted « please dear ! come with me »

mum was staying over. I overheard the phone call Rick made asking for her to come, I heard her car pulling over late at night, I even heard her when she steped into the room checking for me as I pretended to be asleep while she cleaned the mess beside the bed. she took care of the house, of us, as I prouved to be no much of a help, I couldn't even arrange my own son funeral.

She cleaned the cut and wraped a bandage around my hand « Polly honey, » she spoke patting my shoulder then running her fingers over the knots in my hair « I couldn't put myself in your shose but if you needed anything, I am always here. Even for a talk »

I hummed in response not meeting her gaze, not even sure she heard me.

« come on honey, we need to be heading out soon » she let the bathroom door open but I didn't follow her out, « come down when you're ready then » she said leaving the main bedroom, the room I haven't left since that day. And all I could recall doing was standing in the shower til the water run cold or gazing at the curttened window for the rest til mom or Rick gave me a pill to sleep.

So, somehow tomorrow came, sun rose just as it usually did and also the day after, and after. And somehow a week rolled by since I last saw my child. I never thought it would.

My whole universe got shuttered the other day and yet here we are on a brand new day, like nothing happend.

Little did I know life could be very harsh.

There was a nock on the door « pol, it's me.» Rick came in, the bathroom door creacked as he stepped in.

I was seatting on the bathtub edge, I recognised his brown pointy shose and his black suit pants.
He stood there silent for a while, he sighed and I took that as a gaving up sign because he found himself obliged to my will. He never bothered me.